Super Saturday!

Well, I'm in a great mood at the moment.. why? Because I got my ass back to kickboxing! And I got my ass kicked! And it felt great! 

I haven't been kickboxing in over a month, which is what this post will be about, but damn it felt good to be back! I know I will be sore tomorrow, and I honestly felt like I was back to Day 1, but this is the push that I needed. 
So, what is this all about? Let's start at the beginning...

I believe I mentioned before that I was on a sick leave from work last school year. In all, I didn't work for 6 months. Most people would LOVE that amount of time off, and I admit I was very thankful to be able to take the time to work on myself while still getting paid. So, in that time I went through a lot of stuff, I started weekly psychotherapy, I got married, I went on an amazing Honeymoon to Portugal, I started medication to treat depression and anxiety, I started a workbook called Mind Over Mood and I was pretty much going kickboxing daily or at least 4 times a week. I was very up and down about life and how things were going and working on my perception of things and so on. But there was one constant : get up in the morning and go kickboxing. Part of what kept me going there is the amazing owner and instructor Tracey - she is definitely the push you need sometimes and she's there for you, good or bad. I also made a friend there and we were encouraging each other to go. And one more friend was encouraging a lot to come to the intermediate classes. I say it now, and I will say it many times over, I am truly thankful for those people in my life. 
Everything seems pretty great up until now. So, what happened? Well, I went back to work, that's what happened. I won't explain the whole going back to work process, that's for another day. Now, for anyone who hasn't gone through something like this, it's very, very difficult to see my perspective of things and it's very, very easy to make hurtful, uniformed, biased comments based on your own perception of the situation. To an outsider, I might seem to be lazy, a complainer, negative, inactive, someone who finds excuses for everything, malcontent; the list goes on. I don't think that I can properly explain the feelings I go through everyday, and I won't attempt to. However,  I will paint you a clear image of my day:

After struggling to get a good night sleep, I wake up. My first thought it is a positive one: "You CAN do this Chantal. Today is a new day. Today will be better than yesterday." I struggle to hold on to that thought so that I can get myself out of bed. I brew a pot of coffee and while I wait for it to be done, I start to put my costume on. I call it a costume because as I dress, I start to feel my disguise coming together. The teacher ensemble that gets me through the day. As I drink my first cup of coffee, I start to do my makeup. I call it my warrior paint. I layer on the face that I'm going to try to wear all day. When I'm done, I feel like I am ready to face my spectators : my students, my principal, the parents, my co-workers, and anyone else who crosses my path today. Before I walk into the building, I take a deep breath, or two. I am ready. I can do this. 
I usually start my day off pretty well, not always, but usually. Throughout the day I continuously check myself. Sometimes I take an extra bathroom break so that I can remove my disguise for a few minutes, stop the show just for a few seconds. But I quickly get back into character and get back out there. The entire day is like this, keeping up appearances. And then, at 4 o'clock (if i'm lucky) usually mostly around 5, I finally crumble. There is nothing left in me to keep going. I walk in and today's performance is over. I don't relax though, I don't feel good, I have nothing left in me. My husband sees it, and I feel terrible about it. Everyone else gets the best of me, and he's left with the broken pieces at the end of the day. I sometimes manage to make dinner, sometimes I don't. I can't get myself to kickboxing. Definitely not. And then, it's another sleepless night until the show starts again tomorrow. 

I understand to an outsider this description might seem dramatic. It's okay for you to see it that way. It's okay for you to not understand. It's okay. 

So, all of that to say - I stopped kickboxing. I didn't have it in me to go. I didn't have it in me to face anyone else. I didn't have the energy to punch, or kick, or scream at a bag. I had nothing left to give. I decided that I would take the month of October off. Try to figure something out to make it all work. This way, I stopped beating myself up for not going. My therapist would say : "You took it off your to-do list for this month." When something is off your list, you're not allowed to beat yourself up for not doing it. So that's what I did. 

Well, now it's November, and kickboxing is back on my list. I had planned to go back on November 1st, but it didn't happen. It's okay. Today is November 5th. I woke up, I didn't put any warrior paint on and I got my ass there. I worked hard, I struggled, I swore, I wanted to give up, but I didn't. I did the whole hour, and I loved every minute of it. And at the end of it all, I was reminded of how much I NEED that place. How much I LOVE kickboxing. How much I APPRECIATE the people there. I realized that I OWE it to MYSELF to go kickboxing as often as I can. There's no need for a painted face, a spectacle, an act when I'm there. I can show up crumbled and broken and there will always be someone there to help you get through it, to help put you back together again. Afterwards, I can head home and my husband gets a whole person, not fragmented pieces of me, but all of me. 
I feel good, I feel energized, I feel happy. Here's to a new month and to getting back on track. 

Have a lovely weekend readers!

xo

A Few Anecdotes

Student: "Madame, can you call my mom pleaseandthankyou?" (Please and Thank you are one word for this kid)

Me:"How come?"

Student:" Because I have to poo."

Me: "Ok.... but why not just use the washroom at school?"

Student: "Because there's no toilet seats."

Me:"What, what do you mean there are no toilet seats?"

Student: "There's no seat. It's gonna hurt me."

Me: " No, no. There are toilet seats."

Student: " Mommy had my Lightning McQueen toilet seat!"

Me: " Okay, but we can't call mommy every time you have to poo to bring your toilet seat. We have toilets with seats at school, you can use those."

Student: " Bu there's no seat! I'll show you." *Point to the urinal*

Me:" You're right, that has no seat. But that's not where you poo. You poo in the stall, those toilets have seats."

Student: " But it's going to hurt me."

Me: Completely confused.
".... I'm done."



Today, as every Wednesday, I went to my Psych appointment. After talking about what's going on and
To which I replied, "no... not really. I probably should."
my feelings and why my job is really not working for me, my doctor said: " I'm going to ask you a strange question coming from a doctor... but do you drink?"
To which she then said, "You know, sometimes when you have a glass of wine to look forward to at the end of the day it can change your perspective on things."
"Are you telling me to drink my problems away?"
"Not exactly, but a drink or two to relax wouldn't hurt!"


Wise, wise words.... as I sip my bailey's & hot chocolate...

SIA : A Review... kind of

Hello all!

Well, I've had one hell of a week. I was very sick - basically paralyzingly (is that a word?!) sick. Anyway, this post is not about THAT. This post is about the Sia Concert that I went to last night! And in fact, it's more about the people at the concert than the concert itself. Let me explain. 

The concert was great. I wasn't a huge fan of the opening act (Miguel), it's just not my kind of music. I also wasn't a fan of the long, long pauses between the start of the concert and between Miguel and Sia coming on. It kind of killed the vibe. Anyway, for anyone who knows Sia, this is not the kind of concert where you expect to see frills and a crazy show. No. Sia stands in a corner, hidden under her signature wig with a giant bow on her head and she belts out her wonderful songs. The stage is left for the performers who deliver strange, sometimes incomprehensible to me, interpretations of the songs. My husband said it best : "This was a theatrical performance to the songs of Sia." And I am definitely not saying this in a negative way at all, it was great. Very interesting, and she sounded amazing, as I knew she would. 

Now, on to what this post is REALLY about. It's the people who attended the concert. I am going to make a social commentary on our use of phones. I admit, I am on my phone a lot and I use if often and sometimes I have to force myself to just put the damn things down. The way people use their phones, reminds me of when I first got my SLR Camera. I stopped enjoying things because I just wanted to capture it all. Capture the best picture. I would miss the whole night of fireworks trying to get a few good shots of those colourful lights in the sky. I eventually started planning specific events for photo taking and leaving my camera at home other times. The problem now is, our phones are always with us. And look at the photo attached to this post - we went to dinner before the concert and I took photos of our food and the menu. I am not above this whole phone phase, and I'm not trying to pretend that I am. However, I did start to get very frustrated with people yesterday, and then especially upset with the person next to me. Here's why...

Before the concert started, and between Miguel's set and Sia coming on, everyone was on their phone! All you saw around the Air Canada Centre was phone screens. Instead of chatting with the person you came to the concert with, people were playing game son their phones to pass the time. Fine, in itself perhaps that isn't so bad, but there are 2 specific moments where I lost it. 
First, as soon as Sia came on stage, the girl next to me proceeded to open her phone to google the concert set list. Why? Why do you NEED to know which songs are coming up? If you like her music, if you are a fan, if you paid to come see her, why do you need to know in advance? Just sit back and enjoy the show, enjoy the surprise of not knowing exactly which songs she will perform and in which order. And please, don't ruin it for me, the person sitting next to you who is constantly being blinded and distracted by your phone screen. You are impeding on my enjoyment of the show. 
Second moment is those people who want to capture EVERYTHING on their phone to share it with friends. So desperately that you miss the concert because you are trying to get the perfect (non-blurry, non distorted, not too bright but not too dark) picture to share on social media. You want to take a picture here and there, fine, those are good memories. But tinkering on your phone for the entire concert trying to get pictures and sound clips and blocking my view because you want a better angle and all in all ruining my experience of the show - that's not fine. I'm not okay with that. 

We need to remember to enjoy things in the moment. Not everything is meant to be captured on screen, and I saw that with difficulty because I am one of those people who tries to capture a lot on camera and on my phone. But there are times when we need to just put it down and enjoy the experience. 

Happy Sunday everyone ❣

I'm Back?

Hello readers!

So, I've been away for a while. Not on vacation or anything, but mentally away. Let me explain, the transition to going back to work has been a mega challenge. In some aspects I'm doing alright, such as getting back into the work routine and actually getting through the day. In other ways, I'm doing terribly, such as cooking dinner after work, making sure the apartment is tidy, working out and so on.

I was feeling really down about everything, and I guess I still am, but I'm trying not to let it get to me. My therapist acknowledged that it's hard to have 2 working people and to keep up a household. Yes, some people manage it, and no, I don't even have kids yet, but she's letting me know that just because I think everyone else seems to have it together, that's not always the case. It's normal to be struggling with juggling so many things in life. That comforts me. Although it doesn't fix anything, it lets me know that I'm not failing where the rest of the world is succeeding.

I'm using this blog a bit like a journal, to share some inner thoughts, frustrations and anecdotes from time to time. I would also like to start sharing some stuff I wrote in the past in order to get opinions and to help me start writing again. Not today though, I'm asking too much of myself, haha. I'm also still trying to figure out what I want this blog to be about and what direction I want to go in so that readers can enjoy it. Any suggestions are welcome!

Since I find it comforting to find out that I'm not abnormal or a failure when I think I am, I'd like to share a few thoughts in the hopes that someone else reading this will know that they are doing well also, even if they don't feel like they are!

Did you know:

- Apparently only around 30% of women get pregnant within the first month of trying. It bumps up to 60% after 3 months of trying, around 80% after 6 months and around 90% within a year. Now, if you don't know this, you can understand why after 2 months of trying a girl might feel inadequate or as if something is wrong. And then there's people getting pregnant "by accident" all around you, it's frustrating.

- Loosing weight is more about what you eat than how much you exercise? I need to be better about my food choices - part of me being "mentally absent" has unfortunately led to me ordering out more than cooking. This week I have a plan though!
Tuesday: Veggie Burrito Bowl
Wednesday: Lasagna leftover
Thursday: Chicken with potatoes and asparagus
Friday: Homemade tomato sauce and spaghetti.
I know if I sit down and take the time to plan, I usually stick to it. That's my goal going forward. Make a plan and stick to it! I did however put my kickboxing membership on hold just until I get life back on track. Hopefully that's soon!

I would like to blog another 2 times this week, so I'm hoping to get to that. I'm also thinking of starting a second blog dedicated solely to teaching stuff. Thoughts on that?

Goodnight everyone! I thoroughly enjoyed my extra day off, but it's back to the grind tomorrow. Have a great week!

Laugh or cry?

Okay, I could write a super long post about how everything went terribly wrong today and how I ended up crying in the principal's office. Instead, I choose to write a very short anecdote that made me laugh more than I should have today.


In the afternoon, I do "calm" games, such as puzzles, drawing, play dough, colouring, letter work and so on. Anyway, one of my students, let's call him Kermit, decided that he would colour. I wish I had taken a picture because it would add the extra "oompf" to this story.

Kermit came to me with a cute alien drawing coloured entirely in black. He had a giant black blob on his paper.

Kermit: Madame, I'm finished!

Me: Oh, that looks great! Did you want to add some colour?

Kermit: No, I already coloured it.... *looks at me with a very confused look on his face*

Me: Okay, great! You did a good job of trying to stay in the lines!

Kermit: It's for Mommy!

Me: Alright, go put it in your school bag.

Kermit: No no no, it has to stay at school!

Me: Well then how is Mommy going to get it?

Kermit: *looks at me as if this is the most obvious thing ever* It can't go home today because Mommy has to earn this picture.

Me: Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.




Goodnight.

Kindergarten, also known as the army, or the zoo.

Hello readers.

... what a week. Thank the stars tomorrow is Friday. And it's payday.

I have to admit, the adjustment to going back to work, as well as going back to kindergarten, and then being faced with a bunch of wild kids has been... very difficult to say the least. Last night, I was giving up. On everything. This morning, I woke up and my attitude was : " Welcome to Mme's Army Class!"

What is the Army Class, you ask? It's where I've had enough of kids bullshit, and I am laying down the law. It's where no one moves unless I say so. It's soooooo not my personality, but that's where we're at, and that's what we need. A month or so of LAW, with very clear lines and no wiggle room, and then we can enjoy the rest of the year.

So, how did Day 1 of the army go? Honestly, not terrible. I am exhausted beyond belief because it's way harder to get through the day as an army sergeant than a police woman. That being said, I'm fairly certain you won't believe that this was a "decent" day, or you will wonder what the hell I've been dealing with the past few weeks if this passes as a normal day.

So, we started the morning with the same routine - arrive, change your shoes, take the things you need out of your bag and then you can go in class. Once in class, you sit on a chair and wait (Warning: This is NOT my usual routine, I am NEVER this "mean" with kids, but I have to be very firm with this group).
So, we are sitting and waiting. The kids are talking among each other (in English of course, because why would a French school be full of French kids??). As soon as I start talking, the law is being put down. " Madame..." SHHHH! "But.." SHH! "I have to..." SHH! Yes, this seems harsh, but bear with me.

So, I laid down the law. No, you may not take all the toys out at once. No, you may not throw toys in the class and against the windows. No, you may not walk all over the toys instead of picking them up. No, you may not TELL me to pick up YOUR mess. No, you can't say "no" to me when I ask you politely to do something. No, you can't run in the class. No, you can't bite others. No, you can't pinch the people you don't like on the cheeks. No, you can't stand there and pee on the carpet cause you feel like it. No you can't spit in people's faces. No you can't climb on chairs and tables and counters. No, you can't tell an adult that you will kick them or hurt them. NO, NO, NO.

So, after 45 minutes of this, I let them play. I must say, it seemed alright. The day as a whole, with most of the kids, was okay. However, this still happened :

- 4 kids ran away from the class and into the school yard all by themselves, for fun. (This is NOT the first time that they have done that).
- 1 kid ran around the entire class trying to hide from my ECE. She gave up on him,
- That same 1 kid, threw rocks in another kids face and when an adult intervened threw rocks in her face too.
- That same kid threw toys in my ECE's face at the end of the day.
- This same kid hid in the washroom during recess and tried to flush big sticks down the toilet.
- 1 kid decided to give herself a haircut and cut her hair with scissors while we were doing a craft.
- 1 kid was screeching for half an hour because she lost her stuffed toy (that she hid in the class and couldn't remember where).
- 2 of my kids school bags disappeared at the beginning of the day, and after hours of searching for them, mysteriously appeared at the end of the day.
- 1 kid hit another one on the head with blocks

No, that one kid who did the most has not been suspended. No, I don't work in a school for angry/aggressive kids although I often feel like I do. No, I simply have a classroom full of kids that unfortunately were left to do as they please for the last 4 to 5 years and now I have to teach them some manners.

I'm off to bed... army day #2 tomorrow.

Goodnight!

PSA - Hair Colour

Hello everyone! I'm actually posting something a day early! I'm impressed with myself . Today's post is a public service announcement about hair colour. My cousin will be happy I did this. You see, Pinterest is an amazing website FULL of ideas, and I'm on it all the time. But my cousin, and hairdressers in general, hate Pinterest because they don't come with a warning. She finds it unbelievably frustrating to meet people's expectations. Why? Because Pinterest shows you perfection. Pinterest show you the ideal. Pinterest shows you what your hair will look like as you leave the salon but not what it will look like a few days later or after the first time you wash it. So, that's why I'm here! First to give you some warnings and second to share my experiences. 

I recently dyed the bottom layer of my hair purple, as you probably saw on a previous post. I love it, it's fun and funky. However, my cousin told me if I want my colour to last, there are a few rules. First is wash your hair as few times as possible. If you can go 3 days without washing that's ideal. When I do finally shower: separate my blonde hair from the purple hair when I wash it. This sounds easy enough, but trust me, it isn't. There's always some purple in my blonde and some blonde in my purple. Secondly, wash your hair in COLD, and I mean ICE COLD, water. When you don't have a removable shower head let me just say that showering has become a very unpleasant part of my routine. Third is to use SULFATE-FREE shampoo. I've been using L'Oréal EVERPURE Sulfate-Free Color Care System. It seems to be alright but I'm not a huge fan of the smell.  So, how has all of that worked out for me? Let's do a comparison. First few images are all Day 1 in various lighting. I wish I had taken slightly better pictures for comparison value, but this is what we're stuck with. Anyway, you can see that the purple is REALLY purple and that the colour is pretty vibrant. 

The following pictures are taken from today, so 10 days after I got my hair coloured and about 4 washes/blow dries. The picture on the top right is taken in direct sunlight, which is why it has more of a pinkish hue. As you can see, the colour has faded but not as much because of using the sulfate-free shampoo, washing my hair every three days and washing in COLD water. My The purple is quite obviously not as vibrant though, and closer to the root, there is barely any colour, the reaosn being my roots are darker than the rest of my hair so the colour wasn't virant to start with. I have experimented with many hair colours in the past and I have to say that unnatural colours (blue, purple, red, pink, green...) especially "red" based colours are VERY hard to up keep. Unless your willing to put in the effort to make the colour last, I would honestly advise not to waste your money. I'm lucky because I get a nice discount seeing as my cousin is my hairdresser, but paying upwards of $200 for your colour to only last a week and a half is just ridiculous.

Purple & Pink!

Find more pictures of hair fading. I'm pretty dedicated to keeping my hair as nice as I can for as long as I can, so I always try to do the proper upkeep. The purple and pink "before" picture is from October and the after picture is from a month later. It's not bad to be honest and the fact that the colour is underneath the fading isn't such a big deal. I do remember having to be very careful when washing my hair though so that the colours wouldn't bleed in to the blonde. 



Next there are pictures of when I went from blonde to a plum red colour. I have to say that colour lasted pretty long and the only downside is when my blonde roots started showing it kind of made me look like I was going grey. Not a nice look at all! 







Okay, enough hair colour pictures!! Although when I have a bit of time I might make a colour of my hair colour through the years. I didn't realize how many different hair colours I've had!! 

Lastly, I tried a new hairstyle today and quite liked the look of it. That's the last picture that I'll post! 


If you liked this post please comment below with your thoughts! 

Until next time....

I'm here!

I gave myself a 10 minutes time limit to write this post, and I'm now at 5 minutes... might be a bit tough. Actually, to be honest, I just want to go to bed, but I told myself to write a little something because I travel off to la-la land.

#thegoal30 UPDATE:

"Always catching up.... I'm 6 days behind!!! What's important though is in reaching a goal every day whether I post it on #instagram or not. Days 13-18 of#thegoal30 : go to a work organized social event after work, save a frog, go out on Friday and Saturday night (note to self I was out THREE times this week... Anyone who knows me knows how amazing that is), make coffee at home every single weekday/avoid buying coffee (also an amazing feat!), complete a lengthy to-do list on a #superlazysunday . Another successful week. On to the next one!"

Three minutes left... It's been a very busy week, Wednesday I went to my psychotherapist in the afternoon, it's the first time I've seen her since I went back to work - she's extremely proud of me! We had a great chat about setting boundaries with people and about easing back into work life. It's NORMAL to be tired, and it's NORMAL to feel like you don't have it all together. It takes TIME to get back into things. And most importantly, if your place is a little messy because you're at work and you're exhausted when you get home, is the world going to end? Is anyone going to die? No. Give yourself a break, do 10 minutes of cleaning every day if you want to and that gives you 70 minutes per week. That's GOOD ENOUGH. Remember, you aren't perfect and you don't need to pretend that you are. I type this as much for myself as for anyone else who might right this. 

Thursday evening we had a social dinner with co-workers. I don't like to participate in these things but I did and it was nice. We chatted, got to know some people a little more and it was a relaxed setting. I'm proud of myself to making the effort to go, and I'm glad that I did. 

Friday was André's birthday (my husband of 5 months). I had booked a table for us and some friends at Copacabana Brazilian Steakhouse and it was delicious! If you've never been there, I highly recommend it! All you can eat meat, salad, potatoes, and other stuff for $45 each. The grilled pineapple and fried bananas are TO DIE FOR!!! Definitely worth going once, or twice... or many times after that. We went next door to La Carnita's taco bar around 11 pm to have a drink and then went home. They apparently have delicious tacos so I will have to go back to try them out!

Saturday we had a wedding to go to. My cousin got married and it was a fun night. It was a rainy day, but that didn't dampen to party. We got home around 1 am. It was really great to see some family, and then to dance the night away! 

And then comes Sunday. I have a love/hate when Sundays. It's a day off so that's good, but it's the day before the work week starts, so that's kind of crummy. And I seem to always be tired on Sundays. For example, today I rolled out of bed at 12. Seriously... my coworker called me at 10am (really, why?!?!) but I didn't answer. We talked later and I kindly asked her to no longer call me on weekends. Being on sick leave because of work has completely refocused my sense of life. Working yourself silly is just not worth it. What can't be done by Friday 5 pm can wait until Monday 8 am. That's my new motto. That being said, I did do a bit of work today, but I had time and it was my choice. I didn't feel obligated to do it, but I knew that if I did it I would feel less worried about it tomorrow morning. 

Alright, I am 7 minutes over my time limit! Darn. If I have time tomorrow, I'm going to post a Public Service Announcement. Stay tuned!

Until next time, have a lovely, lovely Monday!

Life of a Kinder teacher...and other stuff that happened today.

This morning I rushed to work to release the poor frog that my ECE had captured. Here are pictures of said frog. I felt so terrible for it. I scooped him (or her?) up in an empty yogurt container and brought him outside. I had a slight moment of hesitation because it was only 13 degrees outside and I didn't want him to be cold (I'm telling you, I seriously turned in to Mamma Frog yesterday!). So I wondered if I was making it worse by putting him outside. I justified to myself that this is nature and he belongs in the wild and if we hadn't of put him in our class in the first place he would be living his life as normal in the cooler weather. So, I bid him farewell and watched him hop away into the sunrise... or well.. towards the school wall. I admit, I went back outside a little later and searched the grass for our froggy but he was long gone, so I'm assuming he's back to his regular activities. I feel good about that. So, after releasing him I asked my principal what to tell the ECE. We decided that it would be alright to tell her we were worried about diseases and therefore it was best to let him go. When I got to school, his temporary home had soggy bread, water, a strawberry and grapes. It was quite pitiful. Poor thing. Anyway, on to the rest of the day because dear friends, today was one hell of a day! 

I realized when I had gotten to the elevator this morning that I had forgotten my coffee on the counter. I hesitated between just leaving it there and buying one on the way or walking back to get it. Obviously the more logical answer was to go back, so I did. Keep in my I had only been gone for about 2 minutes from the apartment. Well, as I opened the door, I am surprised (but not really) to find my underwear at the front door. Why was I not surprised? Because Shelby, my beloved dog, loves eating my panties. Seriously, she's a gross weirdo. Anyway, I guess, since I leave for work every morning she assumed today was no different. How was she to know that I would be back so quickly! I must have surprised her though because she was hiding in bed when I was looking for her. Needless to say, she had no time to actually eat my underwear, so I managed to hide them from her. Disclaimer: Andre did laundry last night and we didn't get around to putting it away and that's why my dirty laundry was on the floor. 

I didn't realize, but the next two stories also have to do with underwear and stuff. I should have probably written a warning at the top of this post. Oh well, too late now. But if you'd rather not hear about anymore underwear, stop reading. 

I believe I mentioned before that being a kindergarten teacher we deal with a lot of accidents. Yep, it's part of the job. I've been pooed on, peed on and barfed on, and I've cleaned up numerous children's bodily fluids. It's just the way it goes. Most days it's not terrible, although I admit barf gets to me badly, very badly. Anyway, I digress. When we came in from recess today the kids sat down for story time (this sounds so much more lovely than it is.... it's about 15 minutes of insisting the kids sit and constant reminders that I'm still reading while half of them have a dumbfounded look on their face cause they have no idea what's going on and 2 of them are punching each other cause that's what they do.) Anyway, it was story time. Half way through the story it started to smell a little funky in the class. At the end of the story, it smelled terrible and kids were plugging their noses. I thought perhaps someone had bad gas and that it would pass in a few moments. Was I ever wrong....

After the kids had gone to various spots in the class to play and I was setting up my work table, I noticed a little girl sitting just off of the carpet, leaning to one side, her skirt hiked all the way up. Yep.... she had an accident. But holy hell, she was sitting there happy as ever. So, my ECE refused to help clean the kid ( I get it, it's not her job and no one gets paid enough to do this). However, what are we to do? Even if we were to call the parents, it would be really inhumane to have her sitting like that while we wait for them. So, I called the principal. She rushes to my class and I point to the kid and tell her I need help. She kind of turned green but said okay. I understood after that she had just started eating her lunch. I  apologized to her a dozen times. 

Together, we go into the washroom and help this kid get changed. I admit, I was on the floor laughing at some point because the principal was gagging and dry heaving while the little girl looked at us a just kept smiling. It was just too much to handle. Anyway, I'll save you all the nitty gritty details although they are quite hilarious and just say that we used about a dozen wipes before she was decently clean. 

Last, less hilarious story, but it all kind of ties in....After work today was a social outing for our coworkers to get to know each other and such. We went to a Portuguese BBQ Chicken place and it was delicious and good company. Before leaving, I went to the washroom and... no joke... i found my underwear had like... disintegrated! Okay, they weren't brand new, so I get it, but they literally fell to pieces as I went to pee. It was very strange and very awkward. Needless to say, I went home commando...

Welcome to my life.... Have a good night all!!!

P.S. #thegoal30 update :

Day 13: Go kickboxing on a work weeknight!

Day 14: Resist temptation! (I really wanted to order Swiss Chalet but we had a fridge full of leftovers and I forced myself to eat what I had to save money and save calories!

Day 15: Go out on a weeknight/mingle with coworkers.

#success

Anecdote

A very quick story about a day in my class...

Today, around 12:25 pm a little girl comes to me and says " Madame, madame, come look!" She points at a wooden box with glass panes that is full of dirt and rocks. I look around inside and can't understand what she wants me to see.
I say to her " I see the box, I'm not sure why we have it." To which she says, excitedly, " But don't you see the frog Madame?"

At first I thought we were playing pretend, being a kindergarten teacher and all, we play pretend a lot. I've eaten my fair share of play dough cookies, cakes and pizzas this week, as well as plastic pasta and roast chicken. I've talked to a sick panda, who went to his Pterodactyl doctor to get medicine. And I've built a dinosaur out of blocks with another student.

Naturally, I was prepared to suggest we get a plastic frog and put him in his new home. To my surprise, when I looked again, there was a REAL frog in the box! A small brown frog, the ones you see in the grass sometimes. I'm no expert on amphibians, so I have no idea what it is, but a quick google search tells me it's possibly a wood frog. Don't hold this to me, I could be totally wrong.

I proceeded to have a shocked look on my face and ask where the frog came from. Another adult in my class who was there to help out with lunch said that the ECE (Early Childhood Educator) who works with me found it in the grass LAST WEEK and decided to make it our class pet. I couldn't process all of this information at once. There has been a frog in the class since last week??? Has it eaten? Does it have water? I suddenly turned in to Momma Frog and wanted to care for this poor thing! We put a foil pan in the box with some water, and then we hunted in our lunch boxes for something (literally ANYTHING) to give this poor thing. We ended up giving it some fruit pieces, but a google search says they eat insects. So, now my concern is, how long have we had this thing and how long has it not eaten??? I am seriously unsure what to do and I don't know how to bring it up with my ECE who is a 60 year old lady...

When I write my book, "A Day in the Life of a Kinder Teacher" this will for sure be one of the entries.

Breathe...

I told myself about 5 times on Sunday to sit down a write on my blog, even if it was just a few sentences. But of course, I found other stuff to do and my motivation was lacking, which is unfortunate because I truly do love to write. As I was driving to work this morning, I was drafting my blog entry in my head. I've since changed it about a dozen times and I guarantee what comes out while I type won't be at all what I had "written" in my head earlier today.

I've been slacking on my #thegoal30. To be honest, I made a list of 30 things before I went back to work and I thought they would be easy things to accomplish that I could feel good about. However, as soon as I went back to work, reality set in. I barely have time to think about anything during the day, and the energy I have when I get home gets used up on walking the dog and feeding myself. So, instead of counting precise days, I will just list my accomplishments from the last few days.

1) I made it through the first week back without completely giving up!
2) I got my hair done on Saturday and decided to go back to doing something a little different! Hello Purple!
3) I went over to my cousins house for dinner after getting my hair done and enjoyed time with her kids, despite the fact that I simply wanted to go home.
4) On Sunday, I slept in way too long, but apparently I needed it. However, when I did wake up, despite wanting to stay in bed all day, I had a few errands to run so I got up and got them done.
5) I made it to work today even though I woke up very groggy. Today has been the hardest day in this whole process so far.
6) I came home and made dinner for tonight, as well as for tomorrow night (planning ahead, since I have a staff meeting tomorrow and I hope to go kickboxing after work). And, I tried a new recipe! It wasn't super successful, it was edible but I won't be making it again. Unfortunately, I made a GIANT pot - so, guess what I'm having for lunch all of this week? Hahaha!

Although none of these "goals" were planned, I'm able to sit back and realize that I've had small accomplishments in the past few days, even if they weren't the ones I thought I'd be doing. But it's okay.

I have to admit, I feel like a complete mess. I'm usually a very organized person, bordering on OCD organisation, and I like that. It makes me relaxed when things are in order. However, since I went on sick leave from work, and even more recently, I feel like I'm always trying to catch up. Nothing ever seems to be tidy enough, and it's reflecting in my mind. My mind feels untidy as well, and I'm struggling on how to take care of that. I feel as though I have a never ending to-do list, but I just can't find the motivation to do any of it, and then I panic because more things add themselves to the list. It's a never ending cycle.

One thing that I did want to talk about today is the title of my blog, and a bit of insight on why I feel the way I do. I started going to therapy back in March. I was seeing a private therapist and I thought I was getting help. In retrospect, I realize that those weekly, $115 per hour sessions were strictly "bitching" sessions. I would go there, I would complain for an hour, unload it all and leave. And somehow I thought this was helpful. In May, I started seeing a new psychotherapist. It's with her that I realize that I am a perfectionist. I never, ever saw myself that way, because I told myself that I never do anything well enough to be classified as a perfectionist. How ironic that the reason I thought I wasn't a perfectionist was for the same reason that I am one. What I mean by that is I never though anything was good enough, even though it was. I constantly doubt myself, my capacities, my knowledge, and I'm scared to express myself unless I'm 100% certain about something. I'm scared to share my work, my thoughts, my ideas with anyone, because what if they aren't the best? That's one of the biggest things I've been working on, realizing that my best IS good enough. It's good enough for me, and it should be good enough for others, but if it isn't then SO BE IT. Despite realizing all of this, and working on it, I've been like this for over 20 years, so it's not going to change in a few days or months and maybe not even in a few years. I am however aware of this, and I am working on it, and it's okay to not be perfect and to make mistakes. I'm learning to be okay with this.

So am I okay tonight? No. I feel like a complete mess, my head is everywhere and I'm struggling to keep myself above water. My husband's birthday is on Friday and normally I would already have his gift and I'd be itching for the day to come so that I could finally give it to him. This year? I don't have a gift yet. I finally ordered something tonight (because I hate going to places in person, more on this another time) but it's not going to be here on time. It might even take 2 or 3 weeks. And I feel really shitty about it. However, I tell myself that my husband is supportive, he knows what I'm going through, he knows I care about him and that I'm usually really good about this stuff. He will understand this year, I did my best, and I know that my best will be okay for him.

I feel as though I've let a lot out tonight, and it perhaps won't interest most, but for me, it was therapeutic. If you can relate, if you had advice, if you need someone to listen, leave a comment below and I'll be sure to check in.

Goodnight all, until next time!

It's Thursday... I'm late!

So, I recall saying that I wanted to post on Wednesdays and Sundays... but I missed my deadline. Why? Well, I'll be honest, this week has been a STRUGGLE.. with a capital everything. I don't know how long I can stay awake to write this blog post, but if it ends without making sense it's probably because I passed out on my keyboard.

Let's start with the positive: an update on my challenge for #thegoal30.

Day 5: Start a new book.

I started reading 4 books in one, called Seed to Harvest. I don't have much of an opinion on it yet, so I'll come back with my thoughts on it when I get a bit further in to it. However, I did try to read it a few moths ago and couldn't get past the first page. So, it's a good sign, upon the second try, that I am currently on page 20.

Day 6: I completed two goals in one day! Amazing! 1) Survive the first day of school & 2) Wear a dress to work. Now, this is pretty fantastic because, well one, I've been off of work for 6 months and I made it through the first day with 42 kids without having a meltdown! Secondly, it's fantastic because I haven't worn a dress to work in 5 years. I got many compliments, so perhaps I will take that as a hint to wear dresses a tad more often.

Day 7: DRINK MORE WATER! Yeah,I have no idea why I struggle with this, but I do. However, I've been doing much better at drinking more water and less of everything else. Side note - today (Thursday) I drank 2 liters of water! It's a zillion degrees outside though, and I work in a kindergarten class, with 40+ kids and no air conditioning. So, that explains the water intake. Hopefully I can continue during the winter though!

Day 8: Today! I had set my mind to doing a "7 minute workout" during lunch time. Ahahahaha... I have no idea what I was thinking when I wrote this down. Granted, I thought I was going to have 29 students and not 42, so maybe I had hopes for having a bit of free time ad energy during the free time. Alas, not the case. However, I decided to be nice to myself, and to give myself a break, and decided that 3 days of running after that many kids, sweating bullets and chasing about adults too (yeah.. cause you know, kids aren't enough work, adults have to act like kids too) was actually more of a workout that any apps could give me. So, in my eyes : SUCCESS!

So, without going in to detail (more for my sanity than yours) here is an overview of why I'm exhausted. I will repeat that I was on sick leave for 4 months + 2 months off as a teacher, so that's a total of 6 months without being at work. In that time, I've been to a doctor, 2 therapists, was diagnosed with anxiety disorder as well as depression and have experimented with 2 medications. I am currently in a cognitive behaviour therapy treatment program, have a workbook that I've been slacking on and have since returned to work, officially on September 6th.

Everything is far from perfect, let me tell you. I have an enormous amount of anxiety due to work, and honestly, I did pretty well for the first two days. I didn't cry, I didn't hide, I walked into that building with my head held high and I took the day by the horns and rolled with it. The problem is, I got a whole lot of unexpected things dumped on me, and today, day 3, I finally cracked. I am not made of stone. I am made of eggshell. I can be strong, but hit me in the wrong (or right, depending on how you look at it) place and I crack into a million pieces. So today, after 3 days of dealing with 42 students (while the other teacher only had 29) and after trying to be strong and hold the fort for the 4 new teachers in the JK/SK department, I finally crumbled around 11 am. I cried, I hid in my class for 2 minutes of piece, I hid in another class for another 5 minutes of piece, I went to the washroom to cry, and then I yelled at someone who asked me one too many things.

Am I proud of this? No. Am I beating myself up over it? No. I am human. I try to be perfect, I try to make everything work, I try to take on everyone else's burdens, but I can't. I really, really can't. And so, after all this, I spoke to my coworkers and I asked for help. I left at 4:30 instead of 5:30, and I came home. Did I relax? No. I did work. But I did it in the comfort of my home, while my husband very kindly took care of dinner. And that calmed me down.

And so now, I sit here counting my accomplishments instead of being angry with myself for "failing" today. I made it through 3 days, I finally spoke up so that tomorrow I don't have 42 kids. I got my coworkers to understand what I'm going through and that I can't do everything for them. I got my work done on my own time, at my own pace. My husband took care of dinner so I didn't have to stress about that. I walked my dog, I made sure she had food. And now, I'm going to soak my feet in a nice tub of warm water to relax before I head to bed. I did my best, and if my best isn't good enough for someone, then so be it. Today, I was good enough for me.

The road is long and bumpy, but I know I can get through this, one day at a time.

Until next time readers...

Sundays, oh Sundays....

Good morning readers!

I've been up for two hours but I feel like I've gone through an entire day already! I'll start with my #thegoal30, which was impromptu and wasn't actually on my list. However, since I banged out two goals yesterday, I had space to add one in today!

So, I woke up at 5 am with my dog crying (more on that later). As per usual, when there's nothing else to do, or everything to do, I checked Facebook. I'm part of a Facebook group for Scentsy Consultants (more on that in another post, at a later date). Anyway, she posted randomly (it was 3 am her time) that if anyone was awake she could use a helping hand to look over a PowerPoint. So, I decided to be that helping hand, and she was so appreciative it literally just made me feel good inside.

So good in fact that I decided 5:30 am was a fantastic time to walk the dog - her name is Shelby and you will likely hear about her a lot. Usually I would be saying all of this in a sarcastic voice, but seriously, it was lovely. It's a little cool outside, so I threw on one of my favourite sweaters, some flats and away we went! It was dark, it was quiet, and it was beautiful and calming. I genuinely felt so relaxed while we walked. It made me appreciate early mornings. I used to be an early riser, but the last few years it's been a struggle to get out of bed in the morning. Maybe today gave me a little hope, inspiration and a reminder of how peaceful mornings can be. I feel like today will be a good day. I won't conquer the world because that's not my goal today. My desire is simply to be content and to have a satisfactory day, no matter what I decide to do.

A final note for the day, perhaps to make you laugh, but also to show that your outlook on life can change everything sometimes. I told you I woke up at 5 because of Shelby. Well, I couldn't figure out for the life of me what she needed. She had water, she had food, she has a pee pad in case she needs to go before we go out, she has her toy. Well, after all of this lovely morning stuff, I went in the bedroom to get myself a pair of socks and as I walked out of the room my heel came down on something squishy. Yep, a nice fresh piece of poop! I'm fairly certain that most mornings I would have gotten quite upset, but something about this morning had me laughing instead. Perhaps because I instantly knew what happened. Shelby woke me up crying because the poo was stuck and she needed help! When her slow-to-react Momma didn't help out, she proceeded to rub her butt on the floor until it came off. *light bulb* And lovely readers, it's at times like this that you learn a lesson. Next time Shelby wakes me up crying, I will check if she has food and water, and if she does, I will them proceed to check her bottom in case she needs a helping hand.

Have an amazing Sunday everyone.

#THEGOAL30

I was recently introduced to an Instagram page @ariellesays who talks about her weight loss journey. You should check her out on tumbler as well (http://ariellesays.tumblr.com/). I saw that she was doing a challenge called #thegoal30 and decided it's something I want to do!

So, what is #thegoal30?

Set yourself 30 non-scale goals for the month and then complete them! I'm not entirely sure where the original idea came from and what the original intent was. However, for me it's about being proud of myself for accomplishing something every single day, no matter how small or insignificant it may seem. I've been going to a therapist since March 2016 and I discovered through her that I never learned to congratulate myself for anything that wasn't a huge accomplishment. Living like that sets you up for A LOT of disappointments in life. So, my goal for September is to celebrate small accomplishments every single day, and hopefully have that become a new habit for life. Stay tuned for days 4 - 30!

Day 1 : Make it through your first day back at work since being off on sick leave for 6 months. Success!

Day 2 : Go kickboxing 3 times in one week! Done!

 Day 3: Get on/off the elevator 2 floors before you have to and take the stairs the rest of the way.

Welcome to my blog!

My name is Chantal. I've been wanting to start a blog for a while now but I had no idea where to start. I still have no idea where to start! However, today a recent friend inspired me to get moving! So, I told myself to just start and the ideas will flow.

What will this blog be about? It will be about my journey of self discovery, my internal struggles with being a perfectionist who is far from perfect, my love of art and photography as well as crafting, my love of writing and reading and the entertaining things that I go through as a teacher, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a pet owner and a wife! I hope this blog can perhaps inspire someone, or make someone think about something, or laugh, or cry or perhaps just entertain someone for a few minutes of the day!

Most of all, I hope to rediscover my love of writing and to continue my journey of self improvement by sharing it with whoever might stop by this blog!

I hope to post twice a week, and whenever inspiration strikes!

For tonight, I bid you goodnight.