Breathe...

I told myself about 5 times on Sunday to sit down a write on my blog, even if it was just a few sentences. But of course, I found other stuff to do and my motivation was lacking, which is unfortunate because I truly do love to write. As I was driving to work this morning, I was drafting my blog entry in my head. I've since changed it about a dozen times and I guarantee what comes out while I type won't be at all what I had "written" in my head earlier today.

I've been slacking on my #thegoal30. To be honest, I made a list of 30 things before I went back to work and I thought they would be easy things to accomplish that I could feel good about. However, as soon as I went back to work, reality set in. I barely have time to think about anything during the day, and the energy I have when I get home gets used up on walking the dog and feeding myself. So, instead of counting precise days, I will just list my accomplishments from the last few days.

1) I made it through the first week back without completely giving up!
2) I got my hair done on Saturday and decided to go back to doing something a little different! Hello Purple!
3) I went over to my cousins house for dinner after getting my hair done and enjoyed time with her kids, despite the fact that I simply wanted to go home.
4) On Sunday, I slept in way too long, but apparently I needed it. However, when I did wake up, despite wanting to stay in bed all day, I had a few errands to run so I got up and got them done.
5) I made it to work today even though I woke up very groggy. Today has been the hardest day in this whole process so far.
6) I came home and made dinner for tonight, as well as for tomorrow night (planning ahead, since I have a staff meeting tomorrow and I hope to go kickboxing after work). And, I tried a new recipe! It wasn't super successful, it was edible but I won't be making it again. Unfortunately, I made a GIANT pot - so, guess what I'm having for lunch all of this week? Hahaha!

Although none of these "goals" were planned, I'm able to sit back and realize that I've had small accomplishments in the past few days, even if they weren't the ones I thought I'd be doing. But it's okay.

I have to admit, I feel like a complete mess. I'm usually a very organized person, bordering on OCD organisation, and I like that. It makes me relaxed when things are in order. However, since I went on sick leave from work, and even more recently, I feel like I'm always trying to catch up. Nothing ever seems to be tidy enough, and it's reflecting in my mind. My mind feels untidy as well, and I'm struggling on how to take care of that. I feel as though I have a never ending to-do list, but I just can't find the motivation to do any of it, and then I panic because more things add themselves to the list. It's a never ending cycle.

One thing that I did want to talk about today is the title of my blog, and a bit of insight on why I feel the way I do. I started going to therapy back in March. I was seeing a private therapist and I thought I was getting help. In retrospect, I realize that those weekly, $115 per hour sessions were strictly "bitching" sessions. I would go there, I would complain for an hour, unload it all and leave. And somehow I thought this was helpful. In May, I started seeing a new psychotherapist. It's with her that I realize that I am a perfectionist. I never, ever saw myself that way, because I told myself that I never do anything well enough to be classified as a perfectionist. How ironic that the reason I thought I wasn't a perfectionist was for the same reason that I am one. What I mean by that is I never though anything was good enough, even though it was. I constantly doubt myself, my capacities, my knowledge, and I'm scared to express myself unless I'm 100% certain about something. I'm scared to share my work, my thoughts, my ideas with anyone, because what if they aren't the best? That's one of the biggest things I've been working on, realizing that my best IS good enough. It's good enough for me, and it should be good enough for others, but if it isn't then SO BE IT. Despite realizing all of this, and working on it, I've been like this for over 20 years, so it's not going to change in a few days or months and maybe not even in a few years. I am however aware of this, and I am working on it, and it's okay to not be perfect and to make mistakes. I'm learning to be okay with this.

So am I okay tonight? No. I feel like a complete mess, my head is everywhere and I'm struggling to keep myself above water. My husband's birthday is on Friday and normally I would already have his gift and I'd be itching for the day to come so that I could finally give it to him. This year? I don't have a gift yet. I finally ordered something tonight (because I hate going to places in person, more on this another time) but it's not going to be here on time. It might even take 2 or 3 weeks. And I feel really shitty about it. However, I tell myself that my husband is supportive, he knows what I'm going through, he knows I care about him and that I'm usually really good about this stuff. He will understand this year, I did my best, and I know that my best will be okay for him.

I feel as though I've let a lot out tonight, and it perhaps won't interest most, but for me, it was therapeutic. If you can relate, if you had advice, if you need someone to listen, leave a comment below and I'll be sure to check in.

Goodnight all, until next time!