Let's start with the positive: an update on my challenge for #thegoal30.
Day 5: Start a new book.
I started reading 4 books in one, called Seed to Harvest. I don't have much of an opinion on it yet, so I'll come back with my thoughts on it when I get a bit further in to it. However, I did try to read it a few moths ago and couldn't get past the first page. So, it's a good sign, upon the second try, that I am currently on page 20.
Day 6: I completed two goals in one day! Amazing! 1) Survive the first day of school & 2) Wear a dress to work. Now, this is pretty fantastic because, well one, I've been off of work for 6 months and I made it through the first day with 42 kids without having a meltdown! Secondly, it's fantastic because I haven't worn a dress to work in 5 years. I got many compliments, so perhaps I will take that as a hint to wear dresses a tad more often.Day 7: DRINK MORE WATER! Yeah,I have no idea why I struggle with this, but I do. However, I've been doing much better at drinking more water and less of everything else. Side note - today (Thursday) I drank 2 liters of water! It's a zillion degrees outside though, and I work in a kindergarten class, with 40+ kids and no air conditioning. So, that explains the water intake. Hopefully I can continue during the winter though!
Day 8: Today! I had set my mind to doing a "7 minute workout" during lunch time. Ahahahaha... I have no idea what I was thinking when I wrote this down. Granted, I thought I was going to have 29 students and not 42, so maybe I had hopes for having a bit of free time ad energy during the free time. Alas, not the case. However, I decided to be nice to myself, and to give myself a break, and decided that 3 days of running after that many kids, sweating bullets and chasing about adults too (yeah.. cause you know, kids aren't enough work, adults have to act like kids too) was actually more of a workout that any apps could give me. So, in my eyes : SUCCESS!
So, without going in to detail (more for my sanity than yours) here is an overview of why I'm exhausted. I will repeat that I was on sick leave for 4 months + 2 months off as a teacher, so that's a total of 6 months without being at work. In that time, I've been to a doctor, 2 therapists, was diagnosed with anxiety disorder as well as depression and have experimented with 2 medications. I am currently in a cognitive behaviour therapy treatment program, have a workbook that I've been slacking on and have since returned to work, officially on September 6th.
Everything is far from perfect, let me tell you. I have an enormous amount of anxiety due to work, and honestly, I did pretty well for the first two days. I didn't cry, I didn't hide, I walked into that building with my head held high and I took the day by the horns and rolled with it. The problem is, I got a whole lot of unexpected things dumped on me, and today, day 3, I finally cracked. I am not made of stone. I am made of eggshell. I can be strong, but hit me in the wrong (or right, depending on how you look at it) place and I crack into a million pieces. So today, after 3 days of dealing with 42 students (while the other teacher only had 29) and after trying to be strong and hold the fort for the 4 new teachers in the JK/SK department, I finally crumbled around 11 am. I cried, I hid in my class for 2 minutes of piece, I hid in another class for another 5 minutes of piece, I went to the washroom to cry, and then I yelled at someone who asked me one too many things.
Am I proud of this? No. Am I beating myself up over it? No. I am human. I try to be perfect, I try to make everything work, I try to take on everyone else's burdens, but I can't. I really, really can't. And so, after all this, I spoke to my coworkers and I asked for help. I left at 4:30 instead of 5:30, and I came home. Did I relax? No. I did work. But I did it in the comfort of my home, while my husband very kindly took care of dinner. And that calmed me down.
And so now, I sit here counting my accomplishments instead of being angry with myself for "failing" today. I made it through 3 days, I finally spoke up so that tomorrow I don't have 42 kids. I got my coworkers to understand what I'm going through and that I can't do everything for them. I got my work done on my own time, at my own pace. My husband took care of dinner so I didn't have to stress about that. I walked my dog, I made sure she had food. And now, I'm going to soak my feet in a nice tub of warm water to relax before I head to bed. I did my best, and if my best isn't good enough for someone, then so be it. Today, I was good enough for me.
The road is long and bumpy, but I know I can get through this, one day at a time.
Until next time readers...
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