So, what is this all about? Let's start at the beginning...
I believe I mentioned before that I was on a sick leave from work last school year. In all, I didn't work for 6 months. Most people would LOVE that amount of time off, and I admit I was very thankful to be able to take the time to work on myself while still getting paid. So, in that time I went through a lot of stuff, I started weekly psychotherapy, I got married, I went on an amazing Honeymoon to Portugal, I started medication to treat depression and anxiety, I started a workbook called Mind Over Mood and I was pretty much going kickboxing daily or at least 4 times a week. I was very up and down about life and how things were going and working on my perception of things and so on. But there was one constant : get up in the morning and go kickboxing. Part of what kept me going there is the amazing owner and instructor Tracey - she is definitely the push you need sometimes and she's there for you, good or bad. I also made a friend there and we were encouraging each other to go. And one more friend was encouraging a lot to come to the intermediate classes. I say it now, and I will say it many times over, I am truly thankful for those people in my life.
Everything seems pretty great up until now. So, what happened? Well, I went back to work, that's what happened. I won't explain the whole going back to work process, that's for another day. Now, for anyone who hasn't gone through something like this, it's very, very difficult to see my perspective of things and it's very, very easy to make hurtful, uniformed, biased comments based on your own perception of the situation. To an outsider, I might seem to be lazy, a complainer, negative, inactive, someone who finds excuses for everything, malcontent; the list goes on. I don't think that I can properly explain the feelings I go through everyday, and I won't attempt to. However, I will paint you a clear image of my day:
After struggling to get a good night sleep, I wake up. My first thought it is a positive one: "You CAN do this Chantal. Today is a new day. Today will be better than yesterday." I struggle to hold on to that thought so that I can get myself out of bed. I brew a pot of coffee and while I wait for it to be done, I start to put my costume on. I call it a costume because as I dress, I start to feel my disguise coming together. The teacher ensemble that gets me through the day. As I drink my first cup of coffee, I start to do my makeup. I call it my warrior paint. I layer on the face that I'm going to try to wear all day. When I'm done, I feel like I am ready to face my spectators : my students, my principal, the parents, my co-workers, and anyone else who crosses my path today. Before I walk into the building, I take a deep breath, or two. I am ready. I can do this. I usually start my day off pretty well, not always, but usually. Throughout the day I continuously check myself. Sometimes I take an extra bathroom break so that I can remove my disguise for a few minutes, stop the show just for a few seconds. But I quickly get back into character and get back out there. The entire day is like this, keeping up appearances. And then, at 4 o'clock (if i'm lucky) usually mostly around 5, I finally crumble. There is nothing left in me to keep going. I walk in and today's performance is over. I don't relax though, I don't feel good, I have nothing left in me. My husband sees it, and I feel terrible about it. Everyone else gets the best of me, and he's left with the broken pieces at the end of the day. I sometimes manage to make dinner, sometimes I don't. I can't get myself to kickboxing. Definitely not. And then, it's another sleepless night until the show starts again tomorrow.
I understand to an outsider this description might seem dramatic. It's okay for you to see it that way. It's okay for you to not understand. It's okay.
So, all of that to say - I stopped kickboxing. I didn't have it in me to go. I didn't have it in me to face anyone else. I didn't have the energy to punch, or kick, or scream at a bag. I had nothing left to give. I decided that I would take the month of October off. Try to figure something out to make it all work. This way, I stopped beating myself up for not going. My therapist would say : "You took it off your to-do list for this month." When something is off your list, you're not allowed to beat yourself up for not doing it. So that's what I did.
Well, now it's November, and kickboxing is back on my list. I had planned to go back on November 1st, but it didn't happen. It's okay. Today is November 5th. I woke up, I didn't put any warrior paint on and I got my ass there. I worked hard, I struggled, I swore, I wanted to give up, but I didn't. I did the whole hour, and I loved every minute of it. And at the end of it all, I was reminded of how much I NEED that place. How much I LOVE kickboxing. How much I APPRECIATE the people there. I realized that I OWE it to MYSELF to go kickboxing as often as I can. There's no need for a painted face, a spectacle, an act when I'm there. I can show up crumbled and broken and there will always be someone there to help you get through it, to help put you back together again. Afterwards, I can head home and my husband gets a whole person, not fragmented pieces of me, but all of me. I feel good, I feel energized, I feel happy. Here's to a new month and to getting back on track.
Have a lovely weekend readers!
xo
No comments:
Post a Comment