Okay, I could write a super long post about how everything went terribly wrong today and how I ended up crying in the principal's office. Instead, I choose to write a very short anecdote that made me laugh more than I should have today.
In the afternoon, I do "calm" games, such as puzzles, drawing, play dough, colouring, letter work and so on. Anyway, one of my students, let's call him Kermit, decided that he would colour. I wish I had taken a picture because it would add the extra "oompf" to this story.
Kermit came to me with a cute alien drawing coloured entirely in black. He had a giant black blob on his paper.
Kermit: Madame, I'm finished!
Me: Oh, that looks great! Did you want to add some colour?
Kermit: No, I already coloured it.... *looks at me with a very confused look on his face*
Me: Okay, great! You did a good job of trying to stay in the lines!
Kermit: It's for Mommy!
Me: Alright, go put it in your school bag.
Kermit: No no no, it has to stay at school!
Me: Well then how is Mommy going to get it?
Kermit: *looks at me as if this is the most obvious thing ever* It can't go home today because Mommy has to earn this picture.
Me: Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
Goodnight.
Friday, 23 September 2016
Thursday, 22 September 2016
Kindergarten, also known as the army, or the zoo.
Hello readers.
... what a week. Thank the stars tomorrow is Friday. And it's payday.
I have to admit, the adjustment to going back to work, as well as going back to kindergarten, and then being faced with a bunch of wild kids has been... very difficult to say the least. Last night, I was giving up. On everything. This morning, I woke up and my attitude was : " Welcome to Mme's Army Class!"
What is the Army Class, you ask? It's where I've had enough of kids bullshit, and I am laying down the law. It's where no one moves unless I say so. It's soooooo not my personality, but that's where we're at, and that's what we need. A month or so of LAW, with very clear lines and no wiggle room, and then we can enjoy the rest of the year.
So, how did Day 1 of the army go? Honestly, not terrible. I am exhausted beyond belief because it's way harder to get through the day as an army sergeant than a police woman. That being said, I'm fairly certain you won't believe that this was a "decent" day, or you will wonder what the hell I've been dealing with the past few weeks if this passes as a normal day.
So, we started the morning with the same routine - arrive, change your shoes, take the things you need out of your bag and then you can go in class. Once in class, you sit on a chair and wait (Warning: This is NOT my usual routine, I am NEVER this "mean" with kids, but I have to be very firm with this group).
So, we are sitting and waiting. The kids are talking among each other (in English of course, because why would a French school be full of French kids??). As soon as I start talking, the law is being put down. " Madame..." SHHHH! "But.." SHH! "I have to..." SHH! Yes, this seems harsh, but bear with me.
So, I laid down the law. No, you may not take all the toys out at once. No, you may not throw toys in the class and against the windows. No, you may not walk all over the toys instead of picking them up. No, you may not TELL me to pick up YOUR mess. No, you can't say "no" to me when I ask you politely to do something. No, you can't run in the class. No, you can't bite others. No, you can't pinch the people you don't like on the cheeks. No, you can't stand there and pee on the carpet cause you feel like it. No you can't spit in people's faces. No you can't climb on chairs and tables and counters. No, you can't tell an adult that you will kick them or hurt them. NO, NO, NO.
So, after 45 minutes of this, I let them play. I must say, it seemed alright. The day as a whole, with most of the kids, was okay. However, this still happened :
- 4 kids ran away from the class and into the school yard all by themselves, for fun. (This is NOT the first time that they have done that).
- 1 kid ran around the entire class trying to hide from my ECE. She gave up on him,
- That same 1 kid, threw rocks in another kids face and when an adult intervened threw rocks in her face too.
- That same kid threw toys in my ECE's face at the end of the day.
- This same kid hid in the washroom during recess and tried to flush big sticks down the toilet.
- 1 kid decided to give herself a haircut and cut her hair with scissors while we were doing a craft.
- 1 kid was screeching for half an hour because she lost her stuffed toy (that she hid in the class and couldn't remember where).
- 2 of my kids school bags disappeared at the beginning of the day, and after hours of searching for them, mysteriously appeared at the end of the day.
- 1 kid hit another one on the head with blocks
No, that one kid who did the most has not been suspended. No, I don't work in a school for angry/aggressive kids although I often feel like I do. No, I simply have a classroom full of kids that unfortunately were left to do as they please for the last 4 to 5 years and now I have to teach them some manners.
I'm off to bed... army day #2 tomorrow.
Goodnight!
... what a week. Thank the stars tomorrow is Friday. And it's payday.
I have to admit, the adjustment to going back to work, as well as going back to kindergarten, and then being faced with a bunch of wild kids has been... very difficult to say the least. Last night, I was giving up. On everything. This morning, I woke up and my attitude was : " Welcome to Mme's Army Class!"
What is the Army Class, you ask? It's where I've had enough of kids bullshit, and I am laying down the law. It's where no one moves unless I say so. It's soooooo not my personality, but that's where we're at, and that's what we need. A month or so of LAW, with very clear lines and no wiggle room, and then we can enjoy the rest of the year.
So, how did Day 1 of the army go? Honestly, not terrible. I am exhausted beyond belief because it's way harder to get through the day as an army sergeant than a police woman. That being said, I'm fairly certain you won't believe that this was a "decent" day, or you will wonder what the hell I've been dealing with the past few weeks if this passes as a normal day.
So, we started the morning with the same routine - arrive, change your shoes, take the things you need out of your bag and then you can go in class. Once in class, you sit on a chair and wait (Warning: This is NOT my usual routine, I am NEVER this "mean" with kids, but I have to be very firm with this group).
So, we are sitting and waiting. The kids are talking among each other (in English of course, because why would a French school be full of French kids??). As soon as I start talking, the law is being put down. " Madame..." SHHHH! "But.." SHH! "I have to..." SHH! Yes, this seems harsh, but bear with me.
So, I laid down the law. No, you may not take all the toys out at once. No, you may not throw toys in the class and against the windows. No, you may not walk all over the toys instead of picking them up. No, you may not TELL me to pick up YOUR mess. No, you can't say "no" to me when I ask you politely to do something. No, you can't run in the class. No, you can't bite others. No, you can't pinch the people you don't like on the cheeks. No, you can't stand there and pee on the carpet cause you feel like it. No you can't spit in people's faces. No you can't climb on chairs and tables and counters. No, you can't tell an adult that you will kick them or hurt them. NO, NO, NO.
So, after 45 minutes of this, I let them play. I must say, it seemed alright. The day as a whole, with most of the kids, was okay. However, this still happened :
- 4 kids ran away from the class and into the school yard all by themselves, for fun. (This is NOT the first time that they have done that).
- 1 kid ran around the entire class trying to hide from my ECE. She gave up on him,
- That same 1 kid, threw rocks in another kids face and when an adult intervened threw rocks in her face too.
- That same kid threw toys in my ECE's face at the end of the day.
- This same kid hid in the washroom during recess and tried to flush big sticks down the toilet.
- 1 kid decided to give herself a haircut and cut her hair with scissors while we were doing a craft.
- 1 kid was screeching for half an hour because she lost her stuffed toy (that she hid in the class and couldn't remember where).
- 2 of my kids school bags disappeared at the beginning of the day, and after hours of searching for them, mysteriously appeared at the end of the day.
- 1 kid hit another one on the head with blocks
No, that one kid who did the most has not been suspended. No, I don't work in a school for angry/aggressive kids although I often feel like I do. No, I simply have a classroom full of kids that unfortunately were left to do as they please for the last 4 to 5 years and now I have to teach them some manners.
I'm off to bed... army day #2 tomorrow.
Goodnight!
Tuesday, 20 September 2016
PSA - Hair Colour
The following pictures are taken from today, so 10 days after I got my hair coloured and about 4 washes/blow dries. The picture on the top right is taken in direct sunlight, which is why it has more of a pinkish hue. As you can see, the colour has faded but not as much because of using the sulfate-free shampoo, washing my hair every three days and washing in COLD water. My The purple is quite obviously not as vibrant though, and closer to the root, there is barely any colour, the reaosn being my roots are darker than the rest of my hair so the colour wasn't virant to start with. I have experimented with many hair colours in the past and I have to say that unnatural colours (blue, purple, red, pink, green...) especially "red" based colours are VERY hard to up keep. Unless your willing to put in the effort to make the colour last, I would honestly advise not to waste your money. I'm lucky because I get a nice discount seeing as my cousin is my hairdresser, but paying upwards of $200 for your colour to only last a week and a half is just ridiculous. |
| Purple & Pink! |
Find more pictures of hair fading. I'm pretty dedicated to keeping my hair as nice as I can for as long as I can, so I always try to do the proper upkeep. The purple and pink "before" picture is from October and the after picture is from a month later. It's not bad to be honest and the fact that the colour is underneath the fading isn't such a big deal. I do remember having to be very careful when washing my hair though so that the colours wouldn't bleed in to the blonde.
Next there are pictures of when I went from blonde to a plum red colour. I have to say that colour lasted pretty long and the only downside is when my blonde roots started showing it kind of made me look like I was going grey. Not a nice look at all!
Okay, enough hair colour pictures!! Although when I have a bit of time I might make a colour of my hair colour through the years. I didn't realize how many different hair colours I've had!!
Lastly, I tried a new hairstyle today and quite liked the look of it. That's the last picture that I'll post!
If you liked this post please comment below with your thoughts!
Until next time....
Sunday, 18 September 2016
I'm here!
I gave myself a 10 minutes time limit to write this post, and I'm now at 5 minutes... might be a bit tough. Actually, to be honest, I just want to go to bed, but I told myself to write a little something because I travel off to la-la land.
#thegoal30 UPDATE:
#thegoal30 UPDATE:
"Always catching up.... I'm 6 days behind!!! What's important though is in reaching a goal every day whether I post it on #instagram or not. Days 13-18 of#thegoal30 : go to a work organized social event after work, save a frog, go out on Friday and Saturday night (note to self I was out THREE times this week... Anyone who knows me knows how amazing that is), make coffee at home every single weekday/avoid buying coffee (also an amazing feat!), complete a lengthy to-do list on a #superlazysunday . Another successful week. On to the next one!"
Three minutes left... It's been a very busy week, Wednesday I went to my psychotherapist in the afternoon, it's the first time I've seen her since I went back to work - she's extremely proud of me! We had a great chat about setting boundaries with people and about easing back into work life. It's NORMAL to be tired, and it's NORMAL to feel like you don't have it all together. It takes TIME to get back into things. And most importantly, if your place is a little messy because you're at work and you're exhausted when you get home, is the world going to end? Is anyone going to die? No. Give yourself a break, do 10 minutes of cleaning every day if you want to and that gives you 70 minutes per week. That's GOOD ENOUGH. Remember, you aren't perfect and you don't need to pretend that you are. I type this as much for myself as for anyone else who might right this.
Thursday evening we had a social dinner with co-workers. I don't like to participate in these things but I did and it was nice. We chatted, got to know some people a little more and it was a relaxed setting. I'm proud of myself to making the effort to go, and I'm glad that I did.
Friday was André's birthday (my husband of 5 months). I had booked a table for us and some friends at Copacabana Brazilian Steakhouse and it was delicious! If you've never been there, I highly recommend it! All you can eat meat, salad, potatoes, and other stuff for $45 each. The grilled pineapple and fried bananas are TO DIE FOR!!! Definitely worth going once, or twice... or many times after that. We went next door to La Carnita's taco bar around 11 pm to have a drink and then went home. They apparently have delicious tacos so I will have to go back to try them out!
Saturday we had a wedding to go to. My cousin got married and it was a fun night. It was a rainy day, but that didn't dampen to party. We got home around 1 am. It was really great to see some family, and then to dance the night away!
And then comes Sunday. I have a love/hate when Sundays. It's a day off so that's good, but it's the day before the work week starts, so that's kind of crummy. And I seem to always be tired on Sundays. For example, today I rolled out of bed at 12. Seriously... my coworker called me at 10am (really, why?!?!) but I didn't answer. We talked later and I kindly asked her to no longer call me on weekends. Being on sick leave because of work has completely refocused my sense of life. Working yourself silly is just not worth it. What can't be done by Friday 5 pm can wait until Monday 8 am. That's my new motto. That being said, I did do a bit of work today, but I had time and it was my choice. I didn't feel obligated to do it, but I knew that if I did it I would feel less worried about it tomorrow morning.
Alright, I am 7 minutes over my time limit! Darn. If I have time tomorrow, I'm going to post a Public Service Announcement. Stay tuned!
Until next time, have a lovely, lovely Monday!
Thursday, 15 September 2016
Life of a Kinder teacher...and other stuff that happened today.
I realized when I had gotten to the elevator this morning that I had forgotten my coffee on the counter. I hesitated between just leaving it there and buying one on the way or walking back to get it. Obviously the more logical answer was to go back, so I did. Keep in my I had only been gone for about 2 minutes from the apartment. Well, as I opened the door, I am surprised (but not really) to find my underwear at the front door. Why was I not surprised? Because Shelby, my beloved dog, loves eating my panties. Seriously, she's a gross weirdo. Anyway, I guess, since I leave for work every morning she assumed today was no different. How was she to know that I would be back so quickly! I must have surprised her though because she was hiding in bed when I was looking for her. Needless to say, she had no time to actually eat my underwear, so I managed to hide them from her. Disclaimer: Andre did laundry last night and we didn't get around to putting it away and that's why my dirty laundry was on the floor.
I didn't realize, but the next two stories also have to do with underwear and stuff. I should have probably written a warning at the top of this post. Oh well, too late now. But if you'd rather not hear about anymore underwear, stop reading.
I believe I mentioned before that being a kindergarten teacher we deal with a lot of accidents. Yep, it's part of the job. I've been pooed on, peed on and barfed on, and I've cleaned up numerous children's bodily fluids. It's just the way it goes. Most days it's not terrible, although I admit barf gets to me badly, very badly. Anyway, I digress. When we came in from recess today the kids sat down for story time (this sounds so much more lovely than it is.... it's about 15 minutes of insisting the kids sit and constant reminders that I'm still reading while half of them have a dumbfounded look on their face cause they have no idea what's going on and 2 of them are punching each other cause that's what they do.) Anyway, it was story time. Half way through the story it started to smell a little funky in the class. At the end of the story, it smelled terrible and kids were plugging their noses. I thought perhaps someone had bad gas and that it would pass in a few moments. Was I ever wrong....
After the kids had gone to various spots in the class to play and I was setting up my work table, I noticed a little girl sitting just off of the carpet, leaning to one side, her skirt hiked all the way up. Yep.... she had an accident. But holy hell, she was sitting there happy as ever. So, my ECE refused to help clean the kid ( I get it, it's not her job and no one gets paid enough to do this). However, what are we to do? Even if we were to call the parents, it would be really inhumane to have her sitting like that while we wait for them. So, I called the principal. She rushes to my class and I point to the kid and tell her I need help. She kind of turned green but said okay. I understood after that she had just started eating her lunch. I apologized to her a dozen times.
Together, we go into the washroom and help this kid get changed. I admit, I was on the floor laughing at some point because the principal was gagging and dry heaving while the little girl looked at us a just kept smiling. It was just too much to handle. Anyway, I'll save you all the nitty gritty details although they are quite hilarious and just say that we used about a dozen wipes before she was decently clean.
Last, less hilarious story, but it all kind of ties in....After work today was a social outing for our coworkers to get to know each other and such. We went to a Portuguese BBQ Chicken place and it was delicious and good company. Before leaving, I went to the washroom and... no joke... i found my underwear had like... disintegrated! Okay, they weren't brand new, so I get it, but they literally fell to pieces as I went to pee. It was very strange and very awkward. Needless to say, I went home commando...
Welcome to my life.... Have a good night all!!!
P.S. #thegoal30 update :
Day 13: Go kickboxing on a work weeknight!
Day 14: Resist temptation! (I really wanted to order Swiss Chalet but we had a fridge full of leftovers and I forced myself to eat what I had to save money and save calories!
Day 15: Go out on a weeknight/mingle with coworkers.
#success
Wednesday, 14 September 2016
Anecdote
A very quick story about a day in my class...
Today, around 12:25 pm a little girl comes to me and says " Madame, madame, come look!" She points at a wooden box with glass panes that is full of dirt and rocks. I look around inside and can't understand what she wants me to see.
I say to her " I see the box, I'm not sure why we have it." To which she says, excitedly, " But don't you see the frog Madame?"
At first I thought we were playing pretend, being a kindergarten teacher and all, we play pretend a lot. I've eaten my fair share of play dough cookies, cakes and pizzas this week, as well as plastic pasta and roast chicken. I've talked to a sick panda, who went to his Pterodactyl doctor to get medicine. And I've built a dinosaur out of blocks with another student.
Naturally, I was prepared to suggest we get a plastic frog and put him in his new home. To my surprise, when I looked again, there was a REAL frog in the box! A small brown frog, the ones you see in the grass sometimes. I'm no expert on amphibians, so I have no idea what it is, but a quick google search tells me it's possibly a wood frog. Don't hold this to me, I could be totally wrong.
I proceeded to have a shocked look on my face and ask where the frog came from. Another adult in my class who was there to help out with lunch said that the ECE (Early Childhood Educator) who works with me found it in the grass LAST WEEK and decided to make it our class pet. I couldn't process all of this information at once. There has been a frog in the class since last week??? Has it eaten? Does it have water? I suddenly turned in to Momma Frog and wanted to care for this poor thing! We put a foil pan in the box with some water, and then we hunted in our lunch boxes for something (literally ANYTHING) to give this poor thing. We ended up giving it some fruit pieces, but a google search says they eat insects. So, now my concern is, how long have we had this thing and how long has it not eaten??? I am seriously unsure what to do and I don't know how to bring it up with my ECE who is a 60 year old lady...
When I write my book, "A Day in the Life of a Kinder Teacher" this will for sure be one of the entries.
Today, around 12:25 pm a little girl comes to me and says " Madame, madame, come look!" She points at a wooden box with glass panes that is full of dirt and rocks. I look around inside and can't understand what she wants me to see.
I say to her " I see the box, I'm not sure why we have it." To which she says, excitedly, " But don't you see the frog Madame?"
At first I thought we were playing pretend, being a kindergarten teacher and all, we play pretend a lot. I've eaten my fair share of play dough cookies, cakes and pizzas this week, as well as plastic pasta and roast chicken. I've talked to a sick panda, who went to his Pterodactyl doctor to get medicine. And I've built a dinosaur out of blocks with another student.
Naturally, I was prepared to suggest we get a plastic frog and put him in his new home. To my surprise, when I looked again, there was a REAL frog in the box! A small brown frog, the ones you see in the grass sometimes. I'm no expert on amphibians, so I have no idea what it is, but a quick google search tells me it's possibly a wood frog. Don't hold this to me, I could be totally wrong.
I proceeded to have a shocked look on my face and ask where the frog came from. Another adult in my class who was there to help out with lunch said that the ECE (Early Childhood Educator) who works with me found it in the grass LAST WEEK and decided to make it our class pet. I couldn't process all of this information at once. There has been a frog in the class since last week??? Has it eaten? Does it have water? I suddenly turned in to Momma Frog and wanted to care for this poor thing! We put a foil pan in the box with some water, and then we hunted in our lunch boxes for something (literally ANYTHING) to give this poor thing. We ended up giving it some fruit pieces, but a google search says they eat insects. So, now my concern is, how long have we had this thing and how long has it not eaten??? I am seriously unsure what to do and I don't know how to bring it up with my ECE who is a 60 year old lady...
When I write my book, "A Day in the Life of a Kinder Teacher" this will for sure be one of the entries.
Monday, 12 September 2016
Breathe...
I told myself about 5 times on Sunday to sit down a write on my blog, even if it was just a few sentences. But of course, I found other stuff to do and my motivation was lacking, which is unfortunate because I truly do love to write. As I was driving to work this morning, I was drafting my blog entry in my head. I've since changed it about a dozen times and I guarantee what comes out while I type won't be at all what I had "written" in my head earlier today.
I've been slacking on my #thegoal30. To be honest, I made a list of 30 things before I went back to work and I thought they would be easy things to accomplish that I could feel good about. However, as soon as I went back to work, reality set in. I barely have time to think about anything during the day, and the energy I have when I get home gets used up on walking the dog and feeding myself. So, instead of counting precise days, I will just list my accomplishments from the last few days.
1) I made it through the first week back without completely giving up!
2) I got my hair done on Saturday and decided to go back to doing something a little different! Hello Purple!
3) I went over to my cousins house for dinner after getting my hair done and enjoyed time with her kids, despite the fact that I simply wanted to go home.
4) On Sunday, I slept in way too long, but apparently I needed it. However, when I did wake up, despite wanting to stay in bed all day, I had a few errands to run so I got up and got them done.
5) I made it to work today even though I woke up very groggy. Today has been the hardest day in this whole process so far.
6) I came home and made dinner for tonight, as well as for tomorrow night (planning ahead, since I have a staff meeting tomorrow and I hope to go kickboxing after work). And, I tried a new recipe! It wasn't super successful, it was edible but I won't be making it again. Unfortunately, I made a GIANT pot - so, guess what I'm having for lunch all of this week? Hahaha!
Although none of these "goals" were planned, I'm able to sit back and realize that I've had small accomplishments in the past few days, even if they weren't the ones I thought I'd be doing. But it's okay.
I have to admit, I feel like a complete mess. I'm usually a very organized person, bordering on OCD organisation, and I like that. It makes me relaxed when things are in order. However, since I went on sick leave from work, and even more recently, I feel like I'm always trying to catch up. Nothing ever seems to be tidy enough, and it's reflecting in my mind. My mind feels untidy as well, and I'm struggling on how to take care of that. I feel as though I have a never ending to-do list, but I just can't find the motivation to do any of it, and then I panic because more things add themselves to the list. It's a never ending cycle.
One thing that I did want to talk about today is the title of my blog, and a bit of insight on why I feel the way I do. I started going to therapy back in March. I was seeing a private therapist and I thought I was getting help. In retrospect, I realize that those weekly, $115 per hour sessions were strictly "bitching" sessions. I would go there, I would complain for an hour, unload it all and leave. And somehow I thought this was helpful. In May, I started seeing a new psychotherapist. It's with her that I realize that I am a perfectionist. I never, ever saw myself that way, because I told myself that I never do anything well enough to be classified as a perfectionist. How ironic that the reason I thought I wasn't a perfectionist was for the same reason that I am one. What I mean by that is I never though anything was good enough, even though it was. I constantly doubt myself, my capacities, my knowledge, and I'm scared to express myself unless I'm 100% certain about something. I'm scared to share my work, my thoughts, my ideas with anyone, because what if they aren't the best? That's one of the biggest things I've been working on, realizing that my best IS good enough. It's good enough for me, and it should be good enough for others, but if it isn't then SO BE IT. Despite realizing all of this, and working on it, I've been like this for over 20 years, so it's not going to change in a few days or months and maybe not even in a few years. I am however aware of this, and I am working on it, and it's okay to not be perfect and to make mistakes. I'm learning to be okay with this.
So am I okay tonight? No. I feel like a complete mess, my head is everywhere and I'm struggling to keep myself above water. My husband's birthday is on Friday and normally I would already have his gift and I'd be itching for the day to come so that I could finally give it to him. This year? I don't have a gift yet. I finally ordered something tonight (because I hate going to places in person, more on this another time) but it's not going to be here on time. It might even take 2 or 3 weeks. And I feel really shitty about it. However, I tell myself that my husband is supportive, he knows what I'm going through, he knows I care about him and that I'm usually really good about this stuff. He will understand this year, I did my best, and I know that my best will be okay for him.
I feel as though I've let a lot out tonight, and it perhaps won't interest most, but for me, it was therapeutic. If you can relate, if you had advice, if you need someone to listen, leave a comment below and I'll be sure to check in.
Goodnight all, until next time!
I've been slacking on my #thegoal30. To be honest, I made a list of 30 things before I went back to work and I thought they would be easy things to accomplish that I could feel good about. However, as soon as I went back to work, reality set in. I barely have time to think about anything during the day, and the energy I have when I get home gets used up on walking the dog and feeding myself. So, instead of counting precise days, I will just list my accomplishments from the last few days.
1) I made it through the first week back without completely giving up!
2) I got my hair done on Saturday and decided to go back to doing something a little different! Hello Purple!3) I went over to my cousins house for dinner after getting my hair done and enjoyed time with her kids, despite the fact that I simply wanted to go home.
4) On Sunday, I slept in way too long, but apparently I needed it. However, when I did wake up, despite wanting to stay in bed all day, I had a few errands to run so I got up and got them done.
5) I made it to work today even though I woke up very groggy. Today has been the hardest day in this whole process so far.
6) I came home and made dinner for tonight, as well as for tomorrow night (planning ahead, since I have a staff meeting tomorrow and I hope to go kickboxing after work). And, I tried a new recipe! It wasn't super successful, it was edible but I won't be making it again. Unfortunately, I made a GIANT pot - so, guess what I'm having for lunch all of this week? Hahaha!
Although none of these "goals" were planned, I'm able to sit back and realize that I've had small accomplishments in the past few days, even if they weren't the ones I thought I'd be doing. But it's okay.
I have to admit, I feel like a complete mess. I'm usually a very organized person, bordering on OCD organisation, and I like that. It makes me relaxed when things are in order. However, since I went on sick leave from work, and even more recently, I feel like I'm always trying to catch up. Nothing ever seems to be tidy enough, and it's reflecting in my mind. My mind feels untidy as well, and I'm struggling on how to take care of that. I feel as though I have a never ending to-do list, but I just can't find the motivation to do any of it, and then I panic because more things add themselves to the list. It's a never ending cycle.
One thing that I did want to talk about today is the title of my blog, and a bit of insight on why I feel the way I do. I started going to therapy back in March. I was seeing a private therapist and I thought I was getting help. In retrospect, I realize that those weekly, $115 per hour sessions were strictly "bitching" sessions. I would go there, I would complain for an hour, unload it all and leave. And somehow I thought this was helpful. In May, I started seeing a new psychotherapist. It's with her that I realize that I am a perfectionist. I never, ever saw myself that way, because I told myself that I never do anything well enough to be classified as a perfectionist. How ironic that the reason I thought I wasn't a perfectionist was for the same reason that I am one. What I mean by that is I never though anything was good enough, even though it was. I constantly doubt myself, my capacities, my knowledge, and I'm scared to express myself unless I'm 100% certain about something. I'm scared to share my work, my thoughts, my ideas with anyone, because what if they aren't the best? That's one of the biggest things I've been working on, realizing that my best IS good enough. It's good enough for me, and it should be good enough for others, but if it isn't then SO BE IT. Despite realizing all of this, and working on it, I've been like this for over 20 years, so it's not going to change in a few days or months and maybe not even in a few years. I am however aware of this, and I am working on it, and it's okay to not be perfect and to make mistakes. I'm learning to be okay with this.
So am I okay tonight? No. I feel like a complete mess, my head is everywhere and I'm struggling to keep myself above water. My husband's birthday is on Friday and normally I would already have his gift and I'd be itching for the day to come so that I could finally give it to him. This year? I don't have a gift yet. I finally ordered something tonight (because I hate going to places in person, more on this another time) but it's not going to be here on time. It might even take 2 or 3 weeks. And I feel really shitty about it. However, I tell myself that my husband is supportive, he knows what I'm going through, he knows I care about him and that I'm usually really good about this stuff. He will understand this year, I did my best, and I know that my best will be okay for him.
I feel as though I've let a lot out tonight, and it perhaps won't interest most, but for me, it was therapeutic. If you can relate, if you had advice, if you need someone to listen, leave a comment below and I'll be sure to check in.
Goodnight all, until next time!
Thursday, 8 September 2016
It's Thursday... I'm late!
So, I recall saying that I wanted to post on Wednesdays and Sundays... but I missed my deadline. Why? Well, I'll be honest, this week has been a STRUGGLE.. with a capital everything. I don't know how long I can stay awake to write this blog post, but if it ends without making sense it's probably because I passed out on my keyboard.
Let's start with the positive: an update on my challenge for #thegoal30.
Day 5: Start a new book.
I started reading 4 books in one, called Seed to Harvest. I don't have much of an opinion on it yet, so I'll come back with my thoughts on it when I get a bit further in to it. However, I did try to read it a few moths ago and couldn't get past the first page. So, it's a good sign, upon the second try, that I am currently on page 20.
Day 6: I completed two goals in one day! Amazing! 1) Survive the first day of school & 2) Wear a dress to work. Now, this is pretty fantastic because, well one, I've been off of work for 6 months and I made it through the first day with 42 kids without having a meltdown! Secondly, it's fantastic because I haven't worn a dress to work in 5 years. I got many compliments, so perhaps I will take that as a hint to wear dresses a tad more often.
Day 7: DRINK MORE WATER! Yeah,I have no idea why I struggle with this, but I do. However, I've been doing much better at drinking more water and less of everything else. Side note - today (Thursday) I drank 2 liters of water! It's a zillion degrees outside though, and I work in a kindergarten class, with 40+ kids and no air conditioning. So, that explains the water intake. Hopefully I can continue during the winter though!
Day 8: Today! I had set my mind to doing a "7 minute workout" during lunch time. Ahahahaha... I have no idea what I was thinking when I wrote this down. Granted, I thought I was going to have 29 students and not 42, so maybe I had hopes for having a bit of free time ad energy during the free time. Alas, not the case. However, I decided to be nice to myself, and to give myself a break, and decided that 3 days of running after that many kids, sweating bullets and chasing about adults too (yeah.. cause you know, kids aren't enough work, adults have to act like kids too) was actually more of a workout that any apps could give me. So, in my eyes : SUCCESS!
So, without going in to detail (more for my sanity than yours) here is an overview of why I'm exhausted. I will repeat that I was on sick leave for 4 months + 2 months off as a teacher, so that's a total of 6 months without being at work. In that time, I've been to a doctor, 2 therapists, was diagnosed with anxiety disorder as well as depression and have experimented with 2 medications. I am currently in a cognitive behaviour therapy treatment program, have a workbook that I've been slacking on and have since returned to work, officially on September 6th.
Everything is far from perfect, let me tell you. I have an enormous amount of anxiety due to work, and honestly, I did pretty well for the first two days. I didn't cry, I didn't hide, I walked into that building with my head held high and I took the day by the horns and rolled with it. The problem is, I got a whole lot of unexpected things dumped on me, and today, day 3, I finally cracked. I am not made of stone. I am made of eggshell. I can be strong, but hit me in the wrong (or right, depending on how you look at it) place and I crack into a million pieces. So today, after 3 days of dealing with 42 students (while the other teacher only had 29) and after trying to be strong and hold the fort for the 4 new teachers in the JK/SK department, I finally crumbled around 11 am. I cried, I hid in my class for 2 minutes of piece, I hid in another class for another 5 minutes of piece, I went to the washroom to cry, and then I yelled at someone who asked me one too many things.
Am I proud of this? No. Am I beating myself up over it? No. I am human. I try to be perfect, I try to make everything work, I try to take on everyone else's burdens, but I can't. I really, really can't. And so, after all this, I spoke to my coworkers and I asked for help. I left at 4:30 instead of 5:30, and I came home. Did I relax? No. I did work. But I did it in the comfort of my home, while my husband very kindly took care of dinner. And that calmed me down.
And so now, I sit here counting my accomplishments instead of being angry with myself for "failing" today. I made it through 3 days, I finally spoke up so that tomorrow I don't have 42 kids. I got my coworkers to understand what I'm going through and that I can't do everything for them. I got my work done on my own time, at my own pace. My husband took care of dinner so I didn't have to stress about that. I walked my dog, I made sure she had food. And now, I'm going to soak my feet in a nice tub of warm water to relax before I head to bed. I did my best, and if my best isn't good enough for someone, then so be it. Today, I was good enough for me.
The road is long and bumpy, but I know I can get through this, one day at a time.
Until next time readers...
Let's start with the positive: an update on my challenge for #thegoal30.
Day 5: Start a new book.
I started reading 4 books in one, called Seed to Harvest. I don't have much of an opinion on it yet, so I'll come back with my thoughts on it when I get a bit further in to it. However, I did try to read it a few moths ago and couldn't get past the first page. So, it's a good sign, upon the second try, that I am currently on page 20.
Day 6: I completed two goals in one day! Amazing! 1) Survive the first day of school & 2) Wear a dress to work. Now, this is pretty fantastic because, well one, I've been off of work for 6 months and I made it through the first day with 42 kids without having a meltdown! Secondly, it's fantastic because I haven't worn a dress to work in 5 years. I got many compliments, so perhaps I will take that as a hint to wear dresses a tad more often.Day 7: DRINK MORE WATER! Yeah,I have no idea why I struggle with this, but I do. However, I've been doing much better at drinking more water and less of everything else. Side note - today (Thursday) I drank 2 liters of water! It's a zillion degrees outside though, and I work in a kindergarten class, with 40+ kids and no air conditioning. So, that explains the water intake. Hopefully I can continue during the winter though!
Day 8: Today! I had set my mind to doing a "7 minute workout" during lunch time. Ahahahaha... I have no idea what I was thinking when I wrote this down. Granted, I thought I was going to have 29 students and not 42, so maybe I had hopes for having a bit of free time ad energy during the free time. Alas, not the case. However, I decided to be nice to myself, and to give myself a break, and decided that 3 days of running after that many kids, sweating bullets and chasing about adults too (yeah.. cause you know, kids aren't enough work, adults have to act like kids too) was actually more of a workout that any apps could give me. So, in my eyes : SUCCESS!
So, without going in to detail (more for my sanity than yours) here is an overview of why I'm exhausted. I will repeat that I was on sick leave for 4 months + 2 months off as a teacher, so that's a total of 6 months without being at work. In that time, I've been to a doctor, 2 therapists, was diagnosed with anxiety disorder as well as depression and have experimented with 2 medications. I am currently in a cognitive behaviour therapy treatment program, have a workbook that I've been slacking on and have since returned to work, officially on September 6th.
Everything is far from perfect, let me tell you. I have an enormous amount of anxiety due to work, and honestly, I did pretty well for the first two days. I didn't cry, I didn't hide, I walked into that building with my head held high and I took the day by the horns and rolled with it. The problem is, I got a whole lot of unexpected things dumped on me, and today, day 3, I finally cracked. I am not made of stone. I am made of eggshell. I can be strong, but hit me in the wrong (or right, depending on how you look at it) place and I crack into a million pieces. So today, after 3 days of dealing with 42 students (while the other teacher only had 29) and after trying to be strong and hold the fort for the 4 new teachers in the JK/SK department, I finally crumbled around 11 am. I cried, I hid in my class for 2 minutes of piece, I hid in another class for another 5 minutes of piece, I went to the washroom to cry, and then I yelled at someone who asked me one too many things.
Am I proud of this? No. Am I beating myself up over it? No. I am human. I try to be perfect, I try to make everything work, I try to take on everyone else's burdens, but I can't. I really, really can't. And so, after all this, I spoke to my coworkers and I asked for help. I left at 4:30 instead of 5:30, and I came home. Did I relax? No. I did work. But I did it in the comfort of my home, while my husband very kindly took care of dinner. And that calmed me down.
And so now, I sit here counting my accomplishments instead of being angry with myself for "failing" today. I made it through 3 days, I finally spoke up so that tomorrow I don't have 42 kids. I got my coworkers to understand what I'm going through and that I can't do everything for them. I got my work done on my own time, at my own pace. My husband took care of dinner so I didn't have to stress about that. I walked my dog, I made sure she had food. And now, I'm going to soak my feet in a nice tub of warm water to relax before I head to bed. I did my best, and if my best isn't good enough for someone, then so be it. Today, I was good enough for me.
The road is long and bumpy, but I know I can get through this, one day at a time.
Until next time readers...
Sunday, 4 September 2016
Sundays, oh Sundays....
Good morning readers!
I've been up for two hours but I feel like I've gone through an entire day already! I'll start with my #thegoal30, which was impromptu and wasn't actually on my list. However, since I banged out two goals yesterday, I had space to add one in today!
So, I woke up at 5 am with my dog crying (more on that later). As per usual, when there's nothing else to do, or everything to do, I checked Facebook. I'm part of a Facebook group for Scentsy Consultants (more on that in another post, at a later date). Anyway, she posted randomly (it was 3 am her time) that if anyone was awake she could use a helping hand to look over a PowerPoint. So, I decided to be that helping hand, and she was so appreciative it literally just made me feel good inside.
So good in fact that I decided 5:30 am was a fantastic time to walk the dog - her name is Shelby and you will likely hear about her a lot. Usually I would be saying all of this in a sarcastic voice, but seriously, it was lovely. It's a little cool outside, so I threw on one of my favourite sweaters, some flats and away we went! It was dark, it was quiet, and it was beautiful and calming. I genuinely felt so relaxed while we walked. It made me appreciate early mornings. I used to be an early riser, but the last few years it's been a struggle to get out of bed in the morning. Maybe today gave me a little hope, inspiration and a reminder of how peaceful mornings can be. I feel like today will be a good day. I won't conquer the world because that's not my goal today. My desire is simply to be content and to have a satisfactory day, no matter what I decide to do.
A final note for the day, perhaps to make you laugh, but also to show that your outlook on life can change everything sometimes. I told you I woke up at 5 because of Shelby. Well, I couldn't figure out for the life of me what she needed. She had water, she had food, she has a pee pad in case she needs to go before we go out, she has her toy. Well, after all of this lovely morning stuff, I went in the bedroom to get myself a pair of socks and as I walked out of the room my heel came down on something squishy. Yep, a nice fresh piece of poop! I'm fairly certain that most mornings I would have gotten quite upset, but something about this morning had me laughing instead. Perhaps because I instantly knew what happened. Shelby woke me up crying because the poo was stuck and she needed help! When her slow-to-react Momma didn't help out, she proceeded to rub her butt on the floor until it came off. *light bulb* And lovely readers, it's at times like this that you learn a lesson. Next time Shelby wakes me up crying, I will check if she has food and water, and if she does, I will them proceed to check her bottom in case she needs a helping hand.
Have an amazing Sunday everyone.
I've been up for two hours but I feel like I've gone through an entire day already! I'll start with my #thegoal30, which was impromptu and wasn't actually on my list. However, since I banged out two goals yesterday, I had space to add one in today!
So good in fact that I decided 5:30 am was a fantastic time to walk the dog - her name is Shelby and you will likely hear about her a lot. Usually I would be saying all of this in a sarcastic voice, but seriously, it was lovely. It's a little cool outside, so I threw on one of my favourite sweaters, some flats and away we went! It was dark, it was quiet, and it was beautiful and calming. I genuinely felt so relaxed while we walked. It made me appreciate early mornings. I used to be an early riser, but the last few years it's been a struggle to get out of bed in the morning. Maybe today gave me a little hope, inspiration and a reminder of how peaceful mornings can be. I feel like today will be a good day. I won't conquer the world because that's not my goal today. My desire is simply to be content and to have a satisfactory day, no matter what I decide to do.
A final note for the day, perhaps to make you laugh, but also to show that your outlook on life can change everything sometimes. I told you I woke up at 5 because of Shelby. Well, I couldn't figure out for the life of me what she needed. She had water, she had food, she has a pee pad in case she needs to go before we go out, she has her toy. Well, after all of this lovely morning stuff, I went in the bedroom to get myself a pair of socks and as I walked out of the room my heel came down on something squishy. Yep, a nice fresh piece of poop! I'm fairly certain that most mornings I would have gotten quite upset, but something about this morning had me laughing instead. Perhaps because I instantly knew what happened. Shelby woke me up crying because the poo was stuck and she needed help! When her slow-to-react Momma didn't help out, she proceeded to rub her butt on the floor until it came off. *light bulb* And lovely readers, it's at times like this that you learn a lesson. Next time Shelby wakes me up crying, I will check if she has food and water, and if she does, I will them proceed to check her bottom in case she needs a helping hand.
Have an amazing Sunday everyone.
Saturday, 3 September 2016
#THEGOAL30
I was recently introduced to an Instagram page @ariellesays who talks about her weight loss journey. You should check her out on tumbler as well (http://ariellesays.tumblr.com/). I saw that she was doing a challenge called #thegoal30 and decided it's something I want to do!So, what is #thegoal30?
Set yourself 30 non-scale goals for the month and then complete them! I'm not entirely sure where the original idea came from and what the original intent was. However, for me it's about being proud of myself for accomplishing something every single day, no matter how small or insignificant it may seem. I've been going to a therapist since March 2016 and I discovered through her that I never learned to congratulate myself for anything that wasn't a huge accomplishment. Living like that sets you up for A LOT of disappointments in life. So, my goal for September is to celebrate small accomplishments every single day, and hopefully have that become a new habit for life. Stay tuned for days 4 - 30!
Day 1 : Make it through your first day back at work since being off on sick leave for 6 months. Success!
Welcome to my blog!
My name is Chantal. I've been wanting to start a blog for a while now but I had no idea where to start. I still have no idea where to start! However, today a recent friend inspired me to get moving! So, I told myself to just start and the ideas will flow.
What will this blog be about? It will be about my journey of self discovery, my internal struggles with being a perfectionist who is far from perfect, my love of art and photography as well as crafting, my love of writing and reading and the entertaining things that I go through as a teacher, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a pet owner and a wife! I hope this blog can perhaps inspire someone, or make someone think about something, or laugh, or cry or perhaps just entertain someone for a few minutes of the day!
Most of all, I hope to rediscover my love of writing and to continue my journey of self improvement by sharing it with whoever might stop by this blog!
I hope to post twice a week, and whenever inspiration strikes!
For tonight, I bid you goodnight.
What will this blog be about? It will be about my journey of self discovery, my internal struggles with being a perfectionist who is far from perfect, my love of art and photography as well as crafting, my love of writing and reading and the entertaining things that I go through as a teacher, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a pet owner and a wife! I hope this blog can perhaps inspire someone, or make someone think about something, or laugh, or cry or perhaps just entertain someone for a few minutes of the day!
Most of all, I hope to rediscover my love of writing and to continue my journey of self improvement by sharing it with whoever might stop by this blog!
For tonight, I bid you goodnight.
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