January Second - Resolved

Writing Prompt : Resolved

I can't recall a single time that I have stuck to my New Years Resolution for an entire year. Upon reflection, I ask myself - you decided that resolutions had to be for the whole year? We put unnecessary pressure on ourselves to stick to a (usually) unattainable goal. Why tell yourself you're going to go to the gym every weekday if you have never done it before and gym's just aren't your thing? Why decided to stop drinking alcohol or coffee or pop if you drink those every day? We pick these goals that we think are ideal but really, we are setting ourselves up for failure and disappointment. 

So, what's different this year? No resolutions at all? No. I have a few, but they are attainable, reasonable and vague. I am setting myself up for success. I have resolved to be nicer to myself than I have in past years. Does it mean I have to be nice to myself for 365 days? No. I can't be disappointed in myself or have "bad" days? No. I am just determined to be nicer to myself more often than I was in 2016. I will not let myself fall as low as I did last year. I will take care of myself, be a better me than months before, I will strive to love myself just a little bit more than I did before. This is an attainable goal, and I will reach it. 

Photo Challenge: One Word

I wasn't too sure how to approach this subject - do I pick a word and take a picture that represents it or do I take a picture of a word? I decided to snap this: the cover of my writing prompt book; a word that represents something that makes me happy; a character from a series of books I love. It all seemed appropriate. 

Enjoy, check back tomorrow!

January First - Stroke of Midnight

Photo Challenge : Happy New Year!

Writing Prompt: Stroke of Midnight

Last night, as 2016 turned in to 2017 at the stroke of midnight, there is no other place where I would have rather been. I was at a small party with my husband. Our very first New Year's celebration as husband and wife. With us were great friends, the hosts, who are getting married in 2017, it seems appropriate. Lastly there were a few other people, an interesting mix to say the least; a fun and friendly group of people. My thought as I left for the night : I have not laughed that much in a very, very long time.

Cheers to the New Year😊

IT'S 2017!

Good morning everyone,

A quick post to say HELLO! I've not been blogging because... well it's not been a good few month. However, I'm back, and I have a plan!

Today, I start 365 days of writing prompts and 365 days of photos!

Stay tuned for entry #1!

Happy New Year!

Super Saturday!

Well, I'm in a great mood at the moment.. why? Because I got my ass back to kickboxing! And I got my ass kicked! And it felt great! 

I haven't been kickboxing in over a month, which is what this post will be about, but damn it felt good to be back! I know I will be sore tomorrow, and I honestly felt like I was back to Day 1, but this is the push that I needed. 
So, what is this all about? Let's start at the beginning...

I believe I mentioned before that I was on a sick leave from work last school year. In all, I didn't work for 6 months. Most people would LOVE that amount of time off, and I admit I was very thankful to be able to take the time to work on myself while still getting paid. So, in that time I went through a lot of stuff, I started weekly psychotherapy, I got married, I went on an amazing Honeymoon to Portugal, I started medication to treat depression and anxiety, I started a workbook called Mind Over Mood and I was pretty much going kickboxing daily or at least 4 times a week. I was very up and down about life and how things were going and working on my perception of things and so on. But there was one constant : get up in the morning and go kickboxing. Part of what kept me going there is the amazing owner and instructor Tracey - she is definitely the push you need sometimes and she's there for you, good or bad. I also made a friend there and we were encouraging each other to go. And one more friend was encouraging a lot to come to the intermediate classes. I say it now, and I will say it many times over, I am truly thankful for those people in my life. 
Everything seems pretty great up until now. So, what happened? Well, I went back to work, that's what happened. I won't explain the whole going back to work process, that's for another day. Now, for anyone who hasn't gone through something like this, it's very, very difficult to see my perspective of things and it's very, very easy to make hurtful, uniformed, biased comments based on your own perception of the situation. To an outsider, I might seem to be lazy, a complainer, negative, inactive, someone who finds excuses for everything, malcontent; the list goes on. I don't think that I can properly explain the feelings I go through everyday, and I won't attempt to. However,  I will paint you a clear image of my day:

After struggling to get a good night sleep, I wake up. My first thought it is a positive one: "You CAN do this Chantal. Today is a new day. Today will be better than yesterday." I struggle to hold on to that thought so that I can get myself out of bed. I brew a pot of coffee and while I wait for it to be done, I start to put my costume on. I call it a costume because as I dress, I start to feel my disguise coming together. The teacher ensemble that gets me through the day. As I drink my first cup of coffee, I start to do my makeup. I call it my warrior paint. I layer on the face that I'm going to try to wear all day. When I'm done, I feel like I am ready to face my spectators : my students, my principal, the parents, my co-workers, and anyone else who crosses my path today. Before I walk into the building, I take a deep breath, or two. I am ready. I can do this. 
I usually start my day off pretty well, not always, but usually. Throughout the day I continuously check myself. Sometimes I take an extra bathroom break so that I can remove my disguise for a few minutes, stop the show just for a few seconds. But I quickly get back into character and get back out there. The entire day is like this, keeping up appearances. And then, at 4 o'clock (if i'm lucky) usually mostly around 5, I finally crumble. There is nothing left in me to keep going. I walk in and today's performance is over. I don't relax though, I don't feel good, I have nothing left in me. My husband sees it, and I feel terrible about it. Everyone else gets the best of me, and he's left with the broken pieces at the end of the day. I sometimes manage to make dinner, sometimes I don't. I can't get myself to kickboxing. Definitely not. And then, it's another sleepless night until the show starts again tomorrow. 

I understand to an outsider this description might seem dramatic. It's okay for you to see it that way. It's okay for you to not understand. It's okay. 

So, all of that to say - I stopped kickboxing. I didn't have it in me to go. I didn't have it in me to face anyone else. I didn't have the energy to punch, or kick, or scream at a bag. I had nothing left to give. I decided that I would take the month of October off. Try to figure something out to make it all work. This way, I stopped beating myself up for not going. My therapist would say : "You took it off your to-do list for this month." When something is off your list, you're not allowed to beat yourself up for not doing it. So that's what I did. 

Well, now it's November, and kickboxing is back on my list. I had planned to go back on November 1st, but it didn't happen. It's okay. Today is November 5th. I woke up, I didn't put any warrior paint on and I got my ass there. I worked hard, I struggled, I swore, I wanted to give up, but I didn't. I did the whole hour, and I loved every minute of it. And at the end of it all, I was reminded of how much I NEED that place. How much I LOVE kickboxing. How much I APPRECIATE the people there. I realized that I OWE it to MYSELF to go kickboxing as often as I can. There's no need for a painted face, a spectacle, an act when I'm there. I can show up crumbled and broken and there will always be someone there to help you get through it, to help put you back together again. Afterwards, I can head home and my husband gets a whole person, not fragmented pieces of me, but all of me. 
I feel good, I feel energized, I feel happy. Here's to a new month and to getting back on track. 

Have a lovely weekend readers!

xo

A Few Anecdotes

Student: "Madame, can you call my mom pleaseandthankyou?" (Please and Thank you are one word for this kid)

Me:"How come?"

Student:" Because I have to poo."

Me: "Ok.... but why not just use the washroom at school?"

Student: "Because there's no toilet seats."

Me:"What, what do you mean there are no toilet seats?"

Student: "There's no seat. It's gonna hurt me."

Me: " No, no. There are toilet seats."

Student: " Mommy had my Lightning McQueen toilet seat!"

Me: " Okay, but we can't call mommy every time you have to poo to bring your toilet seat. We have toilets with seats at school, you can use those."

Student: " Bu there's no seat! I'll show you." *Point to the urinal*

Me:" You're right, that has no seat. But that's not where you poo. You poo in the stall, those toilets have seats."

Student: " But it's going to hurt me."

Me: Completely confused.
".... I'm done."



Today, as every Wednesday, I went to my Psych appointment. After talking about what's going on and
To which I replied, "no... not really. I probably should."
my feelings and why my job is really not working for me, my doctor said: " I'm going to ask you a strange question coming from a doctor... but do you drink?"
To which she then said, "You know, sometimes when you have a glass of wine to look forward to at the end of the day it can change your perspective on things."
"Are you telling me to drink my problems away?"
"Not exactly, but a drink or two to relax wouldn't hurt!"


Wise, wise words.... as I sip my bailey's & hot chocolate...

SIA : A Review... kind of

Hello all!

Well, I've had one hell of a week. I was very sick - basically paralyzingly (is that a word?!) sick. Anyway, this post is not about THAT. This post is about the Sia Concert that I went to last night! And in fact, it's more about the people at the concert than the concert itself. Let me explain. 

The concert was great. I wasn't a huge fan of the opening act (Miguel), it's just not my kind of music. I also wasn't a fan of the long, long pauses between the start of the concert and between Miguel and Sia coming on. It kind of killed the vibe. Anyway, for anyone who knows Sia, this is not the kind of concert where you expect to see frills and a crazy show. No. Sia stands in a corner, hidden under her signature wig with a giant bow on her head and she belts out her wonderful songs. The stage is left for the performers who deliver strange, sometimes incomprehensible to me, interpretations of the songs. My husband said it best : "This was a theatrical performance to the songs of Sia." And I am definitely not saying this in a negative way at all, it was great. Very interesting, and she sounded amazing, as I knew she would. 

Now, on to what this post is REALLY about. It's the people who attended the concert. I am going to make a social commentary on our use of phones. I admit, I am on my phone a lot and I use if often and sometimes I have to force myself to just put the damn things down. The way people use their phones, reminds me of when I first got my SLR Camera. I stopped enjoying things because I just wanted to capture it all. Capture the best picture. I would miss the whole night of fireworks trying to get a few good shots of those colourful lights in the sky. I eventually started planning specific events for photo taking and leaving my camera at home other times. The problem now is, our phones are always with us. And look at the photo attached to this post - we went to dinner before the concert and I took photos of our food and the menu. I am not above this whole phone phase, and I'm not trying to pretend that I am. However, I did start to get very frustrated with people yesterday, and then especially upset with the person next to me. Here's why...

Before the concert started, and between Miguel's set and Sia coming on, everyone was on their phone! All you saw around the Air Canada Centre was phone screens. Instead of chatting with the person you came to the concert with, people were playing game son their phones to pass the time. Fine, in itself perhaps that isn't so bad, but there are 2 specific moments where I lost it. 
First, as soon as Sia came on stage, the girl next to me proceeded to open her phone to google the concert set list. Why? Why do you NEED to know which songs are coming up? If you like her music, if you are a fan, if you paid to come see her, why do you need to know in advance? Just sit back and enjoy the show, enjoy the surprise of not knowing exactly which songs she will perform and in which order. And please, don't ruin it for me, the person sitting next to you who is constantly being blinded and distracted by your phone screen. You are impeding on my enjoyment of the show. 
Second moment is those people who want to capture EVERYTHING on their phone to share it with friends. So desperately that you miss the concert because you are trying to get the perfect (non-blurry, non distorted, not too bright but not too dark) picture to share on social media. You want to take a picture here and there, fine, those are good memories. But tinkering on your phone for the entire concert trying to get pictures and sound clips and blocking my view because you want a better angle and all in all ruining my experience of the show - that's not fine. I'm not okay with that. 

We need to remember to enjoy things in the moment. Not everything is meant to be captured on screen, and I saw that with difficulty because I am one of those people who tries to capture a lot on camera and on my phone. But there are times when we need to just put it down and enjoy the experience. 

Happy Sunday everyone ❣

I'm Back?

Hello readers!

So, I've been away for a while. Not on vacation or anything, but mentally away. Let me explain, the transition to going back to work has been a mega challenge. In some aspects I'm doing alright, such as getting back into the work routine and actually getting through the day. In other ways, I'm doing terribly, such as cooking dinner after work, making sure the apartment is tidy, working out and so on.

I was feeling really down about everything, and I guess I still am, but I'm trying not to let it get to me. My therapist acknowledged that it's hard to have 2 working people and to keep up a household. Yes, some people manage it, and no, I don't even have kids yet, but she's letting me know that just because I think everyone else seems to have it together, that's not always the case. It's normal to be struggling with juggling so many things in life. That comforts me. Although it doesn't fix anything, it lets me know that I'm not failing where the rest of the world is succeeding.

I'm using this blog a bit like a journal, to share some inner thoughts, frustrations and anecdotes from time to time. I would also like to start sharing some stuff I wrote in the past in order to get opinions and to help me start writing again. Not today though, I'm asking too much of myself, haha. I'm also still trying to figure out what I want this blog to be about and what direction I want to go in so that readers can enjoy it. Any suggestions are welcome!

Since I find it comforting to find out that I'm not abnormal or a failure when I think I am, I'd like to share a few thoughts in the hopes that someone else reading this will know that they are doing well also, even if they don't feel like they are!

Did you know:

- Apparently only around 30% of women get pregnant within the first month of trying. It bumps up to 60% after 3 months of trying, around 80% after 6 months and around 90% within a year. Now, if you don't know this, you can understand why after 2 months of trying a girl might feel inadequate or as if something is wrong. And then there's people getting pregnant "by accident" all around you, it's frustrating.

- Loosing weight is more about what you eat than how much you exercise? I need to be better about my food choices - part of me being "mentally absent" has unfortunately led to me ordering out more than cooking. This week I have a plan though!
Tuesday: Veggie Burrito Bowl
Wednesday: Lasagna leftover
Thursday: Chicken with potatoes and asparagus
Friday: Homemade tomato sauce and spaghetti.
I know if I sit down and take the time to plan, I usually stick to it. That's my goal going forward. Make a plan and stick to it! I did however put my kickboxing membership on hold just until I get life back on track. Hopefully that's soon!

I would like to blog another 2 times this week, so I'm hoping to get to that. I'm also thinking of starting a second blog dedicated solely to teaching stuff. Thoughts on that?

Goodnight everyone! I thoroughly enjoyed my extra day off, but it's back to the grind tomorrow. Have a great week!